Digjit or Diggu , like I started calling him, got close to me. We never bothered to ask questions about each other’s personal life or our journey thus far and simply started living together like hostel buddies. We slept together, showered together due to water troubles, shared our lunches and took turns to skip dinner every alternate day to not overspend. Luckily we had moderate appetite and didn’t suffer from hunger - the one recognized boon I had. If I also had to endure hunger, as I scraped the barrel for a living , Life would have ended a lot sooner for me. Some days life used to be kind on us, especially during festive occasions as the crowd had a more spending mood. We mostly target the ones with kids, as they are the weakest links and easy to trigger the man of the family into spending money just to avoid the ruckus of a baby with tantrum. Once during Diwali , we sold a lot more goods than we anticipated , so much so that we had to quickly run back to the shed to restock and do a 2nd round. The extra money we made, we decided split it in half , one for spending on food and the other in a metal box we used to hide our savings. Once, Diggu had to take a different route and didn’t meet me for a long time and I started getting jittery. I was quoting lesser prices that day on my goods to sell faster as I could roam about to search for him only If I sold all my allocated portion. We had just one basic phone and we were out of money to recharge it. I sold my goods, rushed to our room to find 100/- Rs lesser in our tin box. We made it a habit to periodically check the savings can for fear of other desperate characters in our area. I began to brush aside a very disturbing thought of Diggu cheating on me by looting our savings in smaller portions and began to palpitate. I can’t afford a 2nd heartbreak in the same year. I was hungry due to the emotions and started doing something I never consciously did - beg for food. I started standing near tea stalls and smaller outlets where they sold buns and biscuits , extending an outstretched hand from a body that lost most of its honor in keeping itself alive. I was aware because I had questionable look due to my unkempt hair, brown teeth from the repeated chewing of gutka/pan , I wasn’t turning heads. People mostly thought I was a lazy ass drug addict not worth getting mercy on the grounds of poverty. I even thought of harming myself physically to become a handicap , because that had more success rate but decided against it . I managed to get a cup of tea and some biscuits from some young kids, who appeared to be living a carefree life . With that meal, I began to search for Diggu, when I found him returning slowly , from a street with a strange look on his face.

I was struggling from within, fighting my intrusive demons to not interrogate him on what he did with the missing money . I was , truth be told , just a prick away from bursting into emotions, as It was a mix of anger, disappointment , self pity and hopelessness. Diggu gestured me to follow him into a street with lesser crowd and turned to look at me . He slowly unbuttoned his shirt and I suddenly began to worry if he had got hurt. Then he showed me. The idiot had spent the money to tattoo my name across his chest with a small heart . I slapped him hard and kissed his forehead and hugged him tight in a rush of relief and love. I was relieved beyond words that I wasn’t duped by yet another person in my life, and they in fact chose to get closer to me in so many ways. I didn’t let go of his hand , like I held on to dear life. In fact , from that day, whenever we spent time together, I never let go of his hand , so much so that funnily our palms might be sharing a common lifeline. Sometimes we were bullied by homophobic people who outrageously misinterpreted our deep friendship as superficial gay attraction. They used to throw half burnt cigarettes, or spit in front of us saying what I believe are racial slurs . We however, didn’t bother and continued to live our life undeterred by life’s struggles that kept coming our way. For example, one day he developed high fever and didn’t get up from bed for 2 days. He lost appetite and became weak and I wasn’t able to buy much medicines as our businessmen masters dismissed our honest pleas as ‘a well rehearsed stage’ act to get more money. It was times like those I really , from the core of my heart regretted being alive and poor. I didn’t eat my portion of the food and began to nurse him , as I wanted to ensure he recovered soon . I can’t lose him. If something happened to him, I made a decision to quit life in full. But with time, and due to our rugged lifestyle . we have an unexplained immunity to harsh weather and common diseases, Diggu recovered and began to walk slowly. Within a week he was alright and we decided to shift neighborhood.

We packed our camp and went to the business folks saying we want to leave - we couldn’t just elope as they had a signed letter that might ruin our life if we didn’t destroy it. So , we spoke to them that we wanted to change areas and for that letter to be destroyed. They made us plead, tried persuading us with Rs 100 more income per 2 weeks and such , but we just felt we were done with the place. After spending the whole day pleading and waiting, they threw some money at our face and asked us to never show ourselves to them again . We took the littered cash and began looking for camps for the deprived and needy. We were fairly young and healthy, with a combined knack of sales and artistry . Between the two of us, Diggu looked a bit more handsome than me, so if we suspected we can use his looks to get an entry into some opportunity. We were successful sometimes, with that strategy and managed to get some menial jobs until one day when a useless piece of junk of a guy asked Diggu , what was his night rate. Diggu slapped that guy with his sandal and I took an oath that I will never put him through another day like this, for which he jokingly replied , “Is it your fault for me being handsome , you bellend“. You will be surprised to see how many flavors of evil run through humanity.

We passed a few months like that moving from one job to another, but with a bit more food and money in our packets. We decided to cut back on recreational drugs, as life seemed to slowly offer a glimmer of hope that it might be actually getting better . After 6 months, we came back to the same neighborhood but carefully avoided the businessmen. We entered a super store, that had ‘We need people’ board out there and we fit the category. We spoke with confidence and a unique sense of honor in our mannerism and the Sales manager was happy to give us both a 24 hour sales boy / house keeping job in the super store. We were given shelter in a nearby building which looked like a prison for captured non-convicts. 5 of us shared a room and of course Diggu and me were still together. We built our life from then on , humbled by the dawn of mercy in our lives and slowly began to evolve into decent humans. Its been a year since and as I look back, at my journey till now, the 2 things that kept me going was Diggu and my own search for Life in general. I was inadvertently seeking what Life really had in store for me and I kept moving ahead until I found an answer.

My sincere request to you is that, the next time you see some of our kind on the streets , judge us less and help us more. Yes, we make some questionable coping choices and we strongly look out for each other , sometimes resorting into cheating by quoting higher prices on our goods or commit actual theft in worst cases, but you must understand rationally why we even do that. Do you think we don’t suffer from the guilt or the regret of our choices ? We keep delaying the prick of conscience, until we were strong enough to confront our demons. If you weren’t of the mind of helping us, at least don’t scorn at us or pass lewd comments. If you really wanted to help us, buy something from us or use our services , at least that gives us a sense of being wanted, useful and respect that we can actually do something. If you have the capacity to help us in long term, spend sometime talking with us, earn our trust and help us get through life. Because, people like us who are desperate, will even die for people who cared enough to help us out of love and divine kindness. We are perhaps more loyal than dogs, to the people who help us , support us. I am not saying we will always be servants or slaves, I mean to say, we will guard your place like Putin’s bodyguards if you gave us a security guard job. We will accompany your kids to school and back ensuring their safety. We will drive and maintain your cars in excellent condition. But to reach to that level, we need people who cared enough and trusted us a bit more to actually understand us better. Be kind , for you don’t know why you actually are more blessed in life in this birth , like how I don’t know why people like us got the short end of the bargain. Perhaps , we deserved it for our past deeds. Imagine, if by your gifts, you extended a bit of support, how much it might amplify your goodwill score ? It might even help you if you took another round of existence as a human . Be kind. Live and let live....Thanks for reading my story.

I am Rachel, now a 26 year old woman and here I have with me, Ranjit , 28 years my friend and co-participant. We both share our own sentiments on this surprisingly gender neutral topic that is a silent unspoken trauma for many. This conversation was a by product of a casual unplanned statement that made us realize we both shared more than we knew. I am not generalizing my emotions as a common feminine aspect when I say, a girl cares about how she looks. She wants to present herself well, wear good dresses, adopt fashion elements and what not, working with what assets Life endows on her. But sometimes, no matter how much she tries to avoid being bogged down by the world’s expectations that constantly peer into her soul , her own voices sometimes engage in a severe duel of confidence vs insecurity. I would say I am not the prettiest looking chick out there, but I am pleasant to the eyes. But for my Hair. Despite living in good hygienic conditions, proper diet practices and healthy lifestyle , my body just couldn’t contribute to a healthy crop of hair on my head. It is thin, lacks height, depth and simply resembles a donkey calf’s tail. I keep trying to not think about it, but every now and then, some random trigger pulls me back into the fact that I am not able to express my womanhood through the way I wear my hair. I just have one look and only my dresses keep changing. Every single photo , I am the same person sporting a troubled smile. Shower time is worst part of my day, as I literally loathe the shampoo bottle. What does it matter, if I develop dandruff or grey hair over my head, when there is literally no point in cleaning something that has no presence or has any worth maintaining it.

Hmm, Rachel, I would like to stop you there. Don’t go there. Please. The whole point of this conversation is to not plunge into our own spirals. We are here to lift us up and build on that note of acceptance. We will no longer look down on us. If it’s ok, I would like to speak about me for few moments.

Sure, Ranjit. Sorry . It’s just. Never mind. Please go on.

So, Being a guy especially after puberty is not a cake walk. We compare each other’s physical attributes to an extent there is no sense of shame or reason in it. We make fun of each other’s bodies and visible features without realizing that it doesn’t always just stop at a passing joke. I am a full grown adult now but I am still finding it tough to accept the fact that I am not able to grow a solid beard and speak with a strong masculine voice. I have a proper man’s voice but a noticeable treble to it and I curse myself when I am not able to speak loudly because my self imposed insecure guns will go ablaze. Boys used to compare ourselves in the restrooms, making fun of our bodies varying shapes and sizes, the amount of hair we grew on our legs and our moustache patterns etc. No one taught these things but we just did it , every batch of newly activated boys , did this to themselves as though , humiliating ourselves was a rite of passage to toughen ourselves into a man who can withstand anything. I realized clearly few years into my adulthood that I lacked depth in voice and facial hear and it pinched me every time one of my friends spoke about how tiring it is to maintain their beard and would scratch it. Some would say, ah , I feel bored of my look, I am going to go dutch now , go clean shaven now etc. I used to zone out, thinking how much I would give to speak simple sentences like that. I could never find the muscle to touch the trimmer as the fear of not seeing new crop of facial hair traumatized me. I can grow facial hair, but it lacks depth and consistency and as a man, one loves to showcase their physique and masculine attributes out of plain vanity. I sounded different in mikes and once on a work call, I could sense the tension of the other person when they realized I was a man and not a woman. You have no idea how cruel the voices in your head can get. I have often felt such anger in the most trivial situations and I struggle to not show that anger around.

Ranjit, Ranjit .

Yeah sorry . I now understand what you would have felt Rachel.

So how did you cope with all this, without going down a dark route , Ranjit. How did you manage?

I don’t know, I started noticing that I was not alone and there were others like me who had questionable physical attributes and challenges, some visible and some not. It then mollified my own harsh judgements. Though God punished me on these two areas, I can vouchsafe for my overall masculinity that I am no less of a man any otherwise, If you know what I mean. Nothing really happens without a reason. Sometimes I used to wonder that in my past birth I probably made fun of someone and it has boomeranged on me in this birth as penance. But, who am I kidding. I am healthy, not obese , I sleep well , I eat what I like , I have people who love me for who I am and don’t care a jot about these things , which I am making a big deal off.

How was it growing up as a girl , especially when it is important how you want to appear to the world. Have you made peace with it at all ? How do you manage , Rachel ?

I mean. I try to move on, but people just stare sometimes. Not consciously, but its the unconscious looks at my donkey tail hair that pinch me and I just want to pluck off whatever’s remaining. Fortunately, I can say girls don’t physically objectify themselves within , by making crass jokes on their complexion or physical attributes. We look out for each other. We even sometimes bond over our imperfections. Most of the time, we don’t like to talk about it but the moment, a girl/lady opens up , man the walls come down crashing. I sometimes wear masks while I travel in train , trendy neck covers and hats when I am in casual places like the mall. But not for long. I just got tired off carrying that weight Ranjit. It’s not just worth it. I mean, what does any of this matter If I drop dead tomorrow - will any one even care about how I looked ? What matters is How I lived my life.

Can I touch you , Can I hold your hand for a moment Rachel , if that’s ok ?

Well , ok .

YOU HAVE NO IDEA, I SAY THE SAME TO MYSELF. Does any of this matter if were to pass the next day ? It’s humbling, assuring , scary to think that something like death reminds us of life’s actual purpose. We are not here to keep rearranging our exterior ! We are here to live life the way it unravels naturally for us, work out our deeds, perform some responsibilities , make memories and embrace love all around.

True right. It is a big deal, I am not downplaying that this doesn’t matter to either of us and we can’t deny this experience. We are being given this for a reason and the sooner we accept it , make sense of how we can work around it and try to fulfil our own yearnings of joy without being influenced by others is the key .

I always thought I needed a fellow man to talk about all these things, like a brother or close buddy but I am buzzed how I can actually empathize, get a sense of direction by talking to a female outside my family or friends. I never saw this coming and I believe this very conversation is a cathartic to both of us. Why should we suffer ? Why can’t we just deny the emotion, steal it off its attention and hegemony over our life ? Are we worried about how our hands are when we sleep or how our toes are when we eat ? Why should we attach undue importance to this . Albeit, I also feel, one has to actually go through the depth to lift up to where we are now, in this moment. Pain that is experienced , alone can be healed. We should give pain and suffering the respect and attention it deserves , recognize its value before we begin to untie ourselves from its grip. We have had enough and let us not look at our situations with the same lens. Agree ?

Ranjit, it wasn’t easy for me , to be honest. I am also shocked that I have been talking about these things to a dude but surprisingly our conversation has uncuffed us . Probably we both wronged someone and it was meant that we both were given a boon to help ourselves after we have been through enough turbulence ! Ha-Ha . I mean, why I am getting all philosophical and such. I am a cool bitch y’all.

You go gal! I wish you all happiness , and more. May you be kind on yourself, go easy on yourself and may you never ever, under any circumstance let another soul make you look down on yourself , especially on areas where you have worked hard to move on.

I wish you the same, with an extra dose of compassion and love, Ranjit. I can’t give a toxic positive statement saying, I understand how it felt for you being a guy but I believe, we both have discovered a new path for ourselves . Let us march forward and drop all this nonsense in the past. Agree ?

100% Rachel . 100 %

Come give me a hug now, champ !

I am a bright mind , always have been - factually and humbly speaking. I have maintained a good academic record and maneuvered my IT career across 3 major technologies as and when the situation demanded it. However, trying to hold on to a job , was not easy when people were quick to take the decisions for you and assumed your priorities "in your better interests". Don't get me wrong here - I am grateful to have people in my life who offer voluntary care and affection on me. But at some point, I felt my individuality needed expression without any strings attached , you know, take my own decisions and own the results of it , good or bad.

Two years into my career, there was a minor scuffle at home on whether I should get married, or to continue my career waiting for the right man to co-partner my life. But no one knows how it felt for me to be a female who wants to make a name for herself at work when I myself was still figuring it out back then .

As the concept of being employed kicked in, I was curious to see if the guys were interested in me just for the heck of it. I enjoyed the occasional attention but never encouraged anything serious. I just tested the waters with my elbows. It was also an interesting initial 3 years as I learnt to navigate through Senior Male supervisors , junior boys and some peers who were few years around my own age. I had a chance to work with men from different backgrounds , intentions and capacities. I felt a sense of pride that I wasn't letting it affect me in a negative way. Well , some days were tough. Especially when I was going through monthly lady times , no one knew the mental or physical fatigue. I still maintained a carefree spirit, coming to work, managing the mental stress of holding on to my job and not break at the first crucial litmus test of being a 'Working woman'.

Some days really tested me, when I had to work late , but we weren't given laptops and the work had to be accomplished. Truth be told, these moments made me hate being born a woman. It's because, I had to leave on time, for my own security and to obey social cues, and the guys used to work longer shifts, got more work done and contributed more to the project's demands. They were decent about it, and fortunately I was evaluated fairly on my performance. My circumstantial inability to not match the hours with the gents was not a major gamechanger, but it did create a chip on my shoulder for falling short in an aspect I had little control on.

Five years into my career , I had a lot of pressure from family to get married. I did embrace the concept of being married to a man, but I never really wanted to settle down. I felt, sincerely that as long as I can make meaningful use of my time, skills and energy , the rational thing was to continue being employed. The groom hunting was no joke, lot of emotional roller coasters, tears, infighting , perspective course corrections, sacrifices and reality ruthlessly imposing various dimensions to my way of thinking ensued. But it all ended well when I could find myself a good suitor - not simply because I wanted to comply to my familial demands, but I genuinely believed in beginning a new phase of life for myself. He happens to be a Software Engineer himself and this helped us synchronize our view on life better.

Married life has always been good, but I still didn't see myself as a 'Woman' back then. I was a still a cherubic young girl at heart, who got married with the awareness that some things have changed about me. But I didn't let it affect how I generated a value out of my Life. We took it slow, conscious of how a pregnancy could impact my career and we were 'protective' of it. Until one day came and I found myself to be an expecting mother. Something about me changed that day, when I realized it was not just me anymore. I felt a strange sense of calm , sacrificial power enter me, as I organically realized that I don't need to be so 'in control' of life and sometimes letting it organize for yourself is itself a show of strength. I delivered a healthy baby Boy and thankfully it was not a C-section. I was willing to endure the pain of a normal delivery but the thought of being split open and let my body be under the mercy of a surgical procedure was my worst nightmare.

As I matured into a Senior IT professional, juggling the expectations of my work , managing the mood swings of my child ,in laws and sometimes my partner, I can only say it was all just what kept life entertaining. I was not always right, I did throw a fit now and then , without reason but every bad day actually made me realize that the 'normal' days were actually the 'good ones'. An occasional Award or two on the job made me happy. I still suffered from the handicap of being a Lady with bigger responsibilities as the Company policies ensured I was not disturbed outside work hours. But a lot of important decisions, casual discussions that gave way to crucial decisions were taken as the day eased and I couldn't help but let go of some situations. It is not logical of me, to dream of being a perfect success both at work and in personal life. My family definitely gained priority, the moments with my boy which shaped his character and manners are worth more than me attending an extra meeting and gaining impetus as a professional.

I was tempted to get a baby sitter over the years as we both were going to office those days and 'work-from-home' was still a 'Senior Management privilege'. I came back home, burdened and burnt from that day's work to sit through my child's innocent conversations, his fights with his friends and that math teacher who gave him punishment etc . Distractions are sometimes amazingly healing, especially when you handle multiple parallel priorities and you have someone to share the load with you. My partner, is worth his weight in gold , and I didn't mind him prioritizing his work above family a little more than me. I was conscious of how we were dividing our time between work and home and the responsibilities that came with it. Either of the two people in a relationship have to own certain aspects a bit more and as long as there is respect present, the imbalance itself will keep things in balance.

Unfortunately , this abused concept of feminism these days where people 'want to do everything men do', is questionable and digressing from the actual concept of why it began. It's about you being you, and organizing your life in a way you didn't feel de-valued . Not to mimic every aspect of the guys especially on the bad choices they sometimes make. We are women for a reason. Our primary characteristics is what make a woman. IF we ourselves don't embrace our ladyhood and compete in irrational ways in the name of 'Girl power' , I can only sulk at it and let them come to their own terms with time.

In the past, women were not given any opportunities. Then with time, they were given, but with terms and conditions and a long list of judgmental tenets. Then again with some time , they were expanded simply to sound 'inclusive' and be seen as 'Good People'. But , being a lady, in whatever career we choose, does come with the basic need to fulfil certain responsibilities and we can't be unmindful by thinking about our own preferences. WE can't turn a blind eye to some of life's real joys and meaningful experiences at the cost of inflating our pride. Then came a period where opportunities and challenges were both alike and we needed someone to encourage us , make us not feel guilty about pursuing our own interests and many women abandoned their goals due to this lack of support. Fast forward to today, there is absolutely no sense of divide between men and women, except may be in the restrooms. We have brought ourselves into every field, broken all barriers and almost dangerously going towards a culture that says 'you don't need a man'. Now that's toxic. We both need each other, how gracefully we achieve this , keeping the love and respect intact defines your intelligence here. Not gaining carte blanche in every aspect of your life and eliminating certain default parameters out completely.

To every girl reading this, remember -

As I look back now, over a towering 2 decade 'ongoing' career , I am happy I made the choices and sacrifices at the right times with the right force. You can always be your boss lady, but sometimes you need to remember to cut some slack for yourself, give way and let life and the people in your life align to your better interests. Don't settle unless you feel a conscious need to settle and not just for the reason 'I won't settle now - don't ask me why' attitude. Don't be silly. You ALL now have got a world which is more receptive to the voice of a woman unlike the conservative micro-aggressive world I grew up in. So, please , don't make choices without reason - learn to work with what's out there. The challenges, the people, the opportunities and aim to achieve an overall accomplishment from life . In your pride to be a numero uno in one aspect of your life, if you are a big 0 in all other aspects , simply because you avoided going through those experiences, you are not as successful as you think you are . Make good choices, in everything . Our grace defines our womanhood. Our resilience and indomitable will is what makes us a woman. And the courage to embrace our weaknesses and exhibit our natural emotions is also what makes us a lady. Just be alert to not be 'used' or disrespected or manipulated. You stay true to yourself and defend yourself like a true woman will do.

Happy Women's Day !

I am Rachel, now a 26 year old woman and here I have with me, Ranjit , 28 years my friend and co-participant. We both share our own sentiments on this surprisingly gender neutral topic that is a silent unspoken trauma for many. This conversation was a by product of a casual unplanned statement that made us realize we both shared more than we knew. I am not generalizing my emotions as a common feminine aspect when I say, a girl cares about how she looks. She wants to present herself well, wear good dresses, adopt fashion elements and what not, working with what assets Life endows on her. But sometimes, no matter how much she tries to avoid being bogged down by the world's expectations that constantly peer into her soul , her own voices sometimes engage in a severe duel of confidence vs insecurity. I would say I am not the prettiest looking chick out there, but I am pleasant to the eyes. But for my Hair. Despite living in good hygienic conditions, proper diet practices and healthy lifestyle , my body just couldn't contribute to a healthy crop of hair on my head. It is thin, lacks height, depth and simply resembles a donkey calf's tail. I keep trying to not think about it, but every now and then, some random trigger pulls me back into the fact that I am not able to express my womanhood through the way I wear my hair. I just have one look and only my dresses keep changing. Every single photo , I am the same person sporting a troubled smile. Shower time is worst part of my day, as I literally loathe the shampoo bottle. What does it matter, if I develop dandruff or grey hair over my head, when there is literally no point in cleaning something that has no presence or has any worth maintaining it.

Hmm, Rachel, I would like to stop you there. Don't go there. Please. The whole point of this conversation is to not plunge into our own spirals. We are here to lift us up and build on that note of acceptance. We will no longer look down on us. If it's ok, I would like to speak about me for few moments.

Sure, Ranjit. Sorry . It's just. Never mind. Please go on.

So, Being a guy especially after puberty is not a cake walk. We compare each other's physical attributes to an extent there is no sense of shame or reason in it. We make fun of each other's bodies and visible features without realizing that it doesn't always just stop at a passing joke. I am a full grown adult now but I am still finding it tough to accept the fact that I am not able to grow a solid beard and speak with a strong masculine voice. I have a proper man's voice but a noticeable treble to it and I curse myself when I am not able to speak loudly because my self imposed insecure guns will go ablaze. Boys used to compare ourselves in the restrooms, making fun of our bodies varying shapes and sizes, the amount of hair we grew on our legs and our moustache patterns etc. No one taught these things but we just did it , every batch of newly activated boys , did this to themselves as though , humiliating ourselves was a rite of passage to toughen ourselves into a man who can withstand anything. I realized clearly few years into my adulthood that I lacked depth in voice and facial hear and it pinched me every time one of my friends spoke about how tiring it is to maintain their beard and would scratch it. Some would say, ah , I feel bored of my look, I am going to go dutch now , go clean shaven now etc. I used to zone out, thinking how much I would give to speak simple sentences like that. I could never find the muscle to touch the trimmer as the fear of not seeing new crop of facial hair traumatized me. I can grow facial hair, but it lacks depth and consistency and as a man, one loves to showcase their physique and masculine attributes out of plain vanity. I sounded different in mikes and once on a work call, I could sense the tension of the other person when they realized I was a man and not a woman. You have no idea how cruel the voices in your head can get. I have often felt such anger in the most trivial situations and I struggle to not show that anger around.

Ranjit, Ranjit .

Yeah sorry . I now understand what you would have felt Rachel.

So how did you cope with all this, without going down a dark route , Ranjit. How did you manage?

I don't know, I started noticing that I was not alone and there were others like me who had questionable physical attributes and challenges, some visible and some not. It then mollified my own harsh judgements. Though God punished me on these two areas, I can vouchsafe for my overall masculinity that I am no less of a man any otherwise, If you know what I mean. Nothing really happens without a reason. Sometimes I used to wonder that in my past birth I probably made fun of someone and it has boomeranged on me in this birth as penance. But, who am I kidding. I am healthy, not obese , I sleep well , I eat what I like , I have people who love me for who I am and don't care a jot about these things , which I am making a big deal off.

How was it growing up as a girl , especially when it is important how you want to appear to the world. Have you made peace with it at all ? How do you manage , Rachel ?

I mean. I try to move on, but people just stare sometimes. Not consciously, but its the unconscious looks at my donkey tail hair that pinch me and I just want to pluck off whatever's remaining. Fortunately, I can say girls don't physically objectify themselves within , by making crass jokes on their complexion or physical attributes. We look out for each other. We even sometimes bond over our imperfections. Most of the time, we don't like to talk about it but the moment, a girl/lady opens up , man the walls come down crashing. I sometimes wear masks while I travel in train , trendy neck covers and hats when I am in casual places like the mall. But not for long. I just got tired off carrying that weight Ranjit. It's not just worth it. I mean, what does any of this matter If I drop dead tomorrow - will any one even care about how I looked ? What matters is How I lived my life.

Can I touch you , Can I hold your hand for a moment Rachel , if that's ok ?

Well , ok .

YOU HAVE NO IDEA, I SAY THE SAME TO MYSELF. Does any of this matter if were to pass the next day ? It's humbling, assuring , scary to think that something like death reminds us of life's actual purpose. We are not here to keep rearranging our exterior ! We are here to live life the way it unravels naturally for us, work out our deeds, perform some responsibilities , make memories and embrace love all around.

True right. It is a big deal, I am not downplaying that this doesn't matter to either of us and we can't deny this experience. We are being given this for a reason and the sooner we accept it , make sense of how we can work around it and try to fulfil our own yearnings of joy without being influenced by others is the key .

I always thought I needed a fellow man to talk about all these things, like a brother or close buddy but I am buzzed how I can actually empathize, get a sense of direction by talking to a female outside my family or friends. I never saw this coming and I believe this very conversation is a cathartic to both of us. Why should we suffer ? Why can't we just deny the emotion, steal it off its attention and hegemony over our life ? Are we worried about how our hands are when we sleep or how our toes are when we eat ? Why should we attach undue importance to this . Albeit, I also feel, one has to actually go through the depth to lift up to where we are now, in this moment. Pain that is experienced , alone can be healed. We should give pain and suffering the respect and attention it deserves , recognize its value before we begin to untie ourselves from its grip. We have had enough and let us not look at our situations with the same lens. Agree ?

Ranjit, it wasn't easy for me , to be honest. I am also shocked that I have been talking about these things to a dude but surprisingly our conversation has uncuffed us . Probably we both wronged someone and it was meant that we both were given a boon to help ourselves after we have been through enough turbulence ! Ha-Ha . I mean, why I am getting all philosophical and such. I am a cool bitch y'all.

You go gal! I wish you all happiness , and more. May you be kind on yourself, go easy on yourself and may you never ever, under any circumstance let another soul make you look down on yourself , especially on areas where you have worked hard to move on.

I wish you the same, with an extra dose of compassion and love, Ranjit. I can't give a toxic positive statement saying, I understand how it felt for you being a guy but I believe, we both have discovered a new path for ourselves . Let us march forward and drop all this nonsense in the past. Agree ?

100% Rachel . 100 %

Come give me a hug now, champ !

Guys and Girls used to constantly orbit around me , because I was the magnet and being associated with me was a symbiotic mutual pleasure myself and my following enjoyed. I hit my early 20s and there was a sudden upsurge in people coming and pinning their projections on me. My young impressionable mind delighted at the prospect of so many options and how ideas came to me unasked from random people. My Close friends used to call me Zeus . "Zeus - Dude , you will make a killer living being a Model.... Zeus , what are you still doing here ? Z-Dawg , You celluloid material Broda ! "....No one prepped me as to how I can build myself. It is not like , I take a walk outside and suddenly there is a Cloud burst of fortunes on me. I am not a flagship product that can be an instant success , without proper stratagem.

I took some baby steps - Social media caught up with me. I posted a photo in timed intervals, secretly read the profiles and methods of other influencers and my crowd grew by 20 people every day. Imagine 600 new fans in a month. The trend continued, as I experimented different flavors of Online Fan Baiting. Of course I hit the Gym and even a shadow of my evolving body caused lusty sweats in my clout. I stopped feeling real excitement or happiness after a while , as the dose of thrill and ego boost was so predictable. It's effect was not as exhilarating as it was before but I ignored this . Who would worry about emotions when I got this much attention ?

Photoshoots and Random video titbits, were an everyday meal. One day, I posed in short grey trunks and the lighting and shadow effect unexpectedly boosted a certain part of my body ( IYWIM ) and my endorsements went berserk. Follow requests tripled and I started getting raunchy requests and most illogical offers to go mainstream. Man, Life was good. All this aside, I still didn't lose focus of the fact that I am a complete outsider to Media or the Modelling Business. We see so many good looking folks at the most random contexts, not everyone wants to be at the receiving end of the shutter. So, I pursued Aeronautical engineering and kept my physique in its prime form. I soon did some courses for Public relations , worked on my accents and slowly built my own USP. You know the drill, highlighted my unique features and mannerisms that worked most effectively on people.

I entered the Flight Business. Not as a Pilot, but as a ( Male )Air Host. I was a charming piece of eye candy. Passengers used to eat me through their eyes and my fellow flight attendants used to tease me in most quirky ways. Like, for example, often the ladies with all their crimson lipsticks and tightly organized tresses, used to come close to me and whisper nonsense and every time I fell for this, thinking a certain passenger needed something or there as a shortage of some product. We have our code language to manage such situations and my naive mind used to think something serious when 90% of the times these chicks will come so close to me and simply murmur - Safe Flight, Good weather, Nice crowd etc

It was so dope ! I met new people , made new memories , had innumerable close encounters of different dimensions and I was of so far off any traditions or strong sentiments. I lived in the moment with my head high like a dog through a window. I got tagged with an international airlines and they used me for a variety of Physical Roles. Security checking, Complaint management, Customer Engagement etc. Who would complain if a sexy man spent a few minutes with you in the airport and gave you that attention. I was literally like the Airline's Victoria Model. Soon the luxuries grew on me , engulfed me with so much comfort, so stealthily like a snake. Parties , Girls, Occasional flings, Booze and Binging on food and habits. I was so spoilt and developed a nice ring to my personality. Thanks to my different interactions with new people for different reasons. And one day , the Airlines Manager said, I have to go serve as a Flight Attendant for a few months as the in-flight crew lost some of their eye candies.

I opened my wardrobe to pick up old uniforms when Disaster slapped the Ego out of me into oblivion. Thanks to the different Attires and overcoats I had been wearing, the lifestyle upgrade and a total blind spot to my fitness , I had gained 7 inches in my waist . I suddenly couldn't handle the shock about my weight gain. It's so tough when your looks are so dominant, the attention never ceases to forsake you, you don't specifically notice your changing body shape. I stood naked in front of the mirror mortified as none of my previous uniforms fit me. Being an air host is different game. Passengers look at every part of your body, they have access to every inch of your physical self due to the space constriction and it's on us to make sure we look sharp. I swiped my card frantically to order some new uniforms and it was my sheer luck that the Airlines wasn't too finnicky about sizes, as long as what met the eye was pleasant.

I revised my In-flight instructions , protocols and codes and educated myself. But I totally forgot to prep my Ego which was about to be badly bruised . Optimistically, I boarded the flight, only to see the excitement drain from passengers boarding the flight . They awaited the sight of a petite Attractive Barbie, but there I was. With my flossed teeth , trimmed beard and hairy chest - a handsome matured Male Air Host. You will feel so disgusted about how people forget to hide their emotions / judgements on another person. The utter dismay was written all over their faces , as I was neither a fit Young Man with Abs, nor a sexy woman. I used to cringe every now and then, as my warm Welcome smile would be met with a nonchalant nod. You have no idea, how often back then I had to remind every incoming passenger to "keep moving" as they used to gaze at me and get lost for a second. Reality shat on me royally as I bit my teeth and realized how careless I had been. I was humbled to the bones on how sleazy Life can be.

I served my 6 months of Flight Attendant Role and went back to other responsibilities , which required both my charm and my brain, thanks to a decade long experience in the Airline Business. This time, I made sure to keep my eyes peeled and pause every moment before I moved a muscle.

Weight Gain is no joke folks. If you find yourself being body shamed, in a way thank your stars. Because, sometimes you will never find out otherwise before its too late. Watch what you put in your mouth. Holiday season or not, special occasions or not, tame your excuses. Regulate your oral pleasures ( pun intended ) . Even if your lifestyle expects a certain pattern , be stubborn in self care and grab some steady , everyday routine that keeps you healthy. Vanity or not, no one likes being fat or being with a fat person. I am not being unempathetic or immoral here. Unless , it's because of a genuine physical condition you suffer from obesity , there is no allowed excuse for you to not be wary of your weight. It's always a result of bad choices in your food, drinks or fleeting pleasures. Take Adamant Good Care of yourself.

Remember, the world doesn't always follow you. You are the sole traveler in your journey of life. You deserve to be healthy. This is an awareness post, written with my trademark cinematic narration, only to soften the blow. I made you travel with me , to vicariously enjoy Life through Zunaid's golden days but had to pause and pinch you on the exact objective I began writing this post.

Much Love . See you next year !

Today, by the Lord's Blessing , I step into the 10th year in the IT industry and I am in my 3rd company already. Back when I started, I was in a constant pissing contest against my peers - thanks to my young naive brain that wasn't ready to read the people or the circumstances that brought them.  Today, I know better - but not everything. I have had the blessing of making mistakes, wrong judgements, wrong calls , improper interpretations and all the nonsense that was painful at that time but rewarding now, as a lesson from the past always is reason to feel wise in the present.    

Here are some of the things that the industry had taught me, or may be , I cared enough to take those lessons for myself - as who am I kidding, this industry doesn't do things out of the goodness of its heart.  It simply is the way it is. The ones that can deal with it, survive.

It is ok to Fail 

Normalize getting things wrong. Years and years of educational complex and common ignorance in parents is that it is a sin to fail. This destroys a child's capacity to impartially, treat a failure just as a round 2 and not an exit. As the child grows , this evolves into a cancerous trait that halts their basic risk taking ability. Sometimes, when we get it wrong  owning it and learning from it is the only right thing to do. If you point fingers or rain excuses instead of accepting you misfired , it's not going to help. Trying to not repeat the same mistake is all that matters. Take risks, shoot and see where it lands .  

Taking nothing personal  

Well, it is a pyramid structure. There is always someone above us and some below us - each one tries to make a living by ensuring those below don't pull the rug under them with a mistake and those above don't let you take the hit directly. If someone talks to you in a certain way, with time and proper emotional intelligence, one learns to understand the core context and intent of a conversation and not just go tone deaf because from whom it is coming.  Learning to discern people and their words and pivoting them towards your self growth is as much important as toying software in those laptops. If indeed your ethics radar detects a personal vendetta - read further.

Handling Tricky people 

No one is cut of the same cloth. Our journeys are incredibly unique but similar. How we personally deal with a situation and the people involved in it really is what brings that difference among us.  Burning bridges is not always a complete no-no - you can do that but only when you clearly see that as a last resort. If you feel, there is still some potential in a situation to handle it by putting the foot down on your emotions and ego, do it . It will be tough , but the more times you swallow that lump and go through it, you will become level headed and impossible to break even by the most vicious people or situations.  Be a class act. Communicate and let it run its course.  Slowly press the gas on how you respond. It's called a professional environment for a reason.

Understanding What matters to you 

We are all in this circus for a basic fundamental reason - use our brains to make it rain  cash . But, a few years down the lane, you must do a rain check to see how are you growing overall and not just limit your goals to salary or skills. You should use this job's unique experiences to sculpt your emotional quotient, work on your personal maturity ,  find what 'satisfies' you as a human being . You may be successful on the job, people might value you, you might get a fat check but if you still feel a void - you are having blind spots that you need to immediately attend to.  People might give feedback on your work and make comments on how much you earn - but remember PEOPLE ALWAYS TALK ABOUT THE OBVIOUS. It's on you to do a retro on yourself, to see where you are going - explore those unseen portions of your mental structure.  Invest on your personality as much as you do on your actual work.

Estimate your Weaknesses 

This is something that comes with age and after repeat fights between your persisting self and zen self. With time and a certain level of self introspection, you should be able to see which battles to take and which ones to accept as they are. Not every skill or situation you can ace, as much as you want to stroke your ego with a never-say-never attitude. You should know it with clarity - make a clear rundown on how far you KNOW you can handle a situation and how best you can communicate to people . Don't put yourself in a spot where people will just assume you will deliver but you end up limping in the middle. It is ok to not be a jack of all trades, try to be decent in  aspects that matter but don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself trying to hype your reputation. 

Snake Detector Brain

Like my handwriting quip in the beginning, some people enter the industry with basic bad behavior. They have a proclivity to trade gossips, demotivate, ill educate people to throw others under the bus, find every opportunity to pull down someone, not extend a clap when something good happens to someone . There are always going to be people like that , with varying magnitudes of such unpleasant features. The trick is to not avoid them, but find a way to work with them. You may not control them, or those gullible tongues that repeat whatever nonsense these snakes feed to them, but you can certainly manage by being true to yourself and make sure YOU let others know the good things you have been doing. Be your own Advocate. After a while , all that trash talk loses power and has no option but to surrender to the Truth and you would have had a comfortable upper hand. Don't retaliate fire with fire . Don't wrestle with pigs even if they tempt you. Albeit, sometimes you indeed have to enter the race , find out what their weapons are, what their intent is , who are they in bed with - just to understand the situation.  Once you have had a grip , turn down every single opportunity that makes you lose it and deal it with educated poise.

Appreciating Personal Health

Most of us lose shape, develop sedentary coping mechanisms, life style induced problems and such , as we continue to meet the demands of our work. Some of us are wise to be pig headed to not give in to our weaknesses, but most of us, lose a certain aspect of personal health and then fight hard to restore it . Obesity, Stress, Depression , Vanity Struggles ( inflated lifestyle choices to "be" with people) etc . It's ok if you realize at some point that you have slipped - you can always maneuver towards the ideal trajectory , if you work on yourself. 

Communication

The basic survival skill required to simply be in the game. If you don't make efforts to communicate properly , understand when others communicate and foresee a communication about to happen after a few years on the job, you have another thing coming at you.  Anyone can speak like a loose cannon. It takes intelligence, grace and deep situational awareness to communicate the right things at the right place , at right time and around the right people. Fancy jargons or not, if people can see the sincerity in your work and ethics, plain simple talk does the trick.  We sometimes find leaders who amazingly communicate , without actual saying it  and you still get the message when you work with them. Emulate that. Never go on record if you are not 100% sure about it 10 steps from the present and 10 minutes later . Guide people to the intent cogently. 

Empathy 

You learn to cultivate empathy and not take people for their face value or the role they play at work. A boss barking at your head means, they just got slapped by their boss. People are people.  Understand the humanness in your colleagues,  see how best you can help them or be helped by them by effectively making an astute study of their personality. Be kind . Don't let your emotions determine your manners. Learn to appreciate when someone is having their 'Moment'. Yours will come. Not everyone gets the trophy at the same time. Wish well for those around you and it all comes back. You have no idea how many times somebody might have had your back but they never tell you. Your manager or junior is not just who they are at work. That is one alive human being with as much flesh, blood ,bones and emotions as much as you are and never let your humanity desert you. 

You Matter ! - You can always correct a situation

There is always a solution. Unfortunately, some moments push us to the extent of taking our own life, when we can't meet a deadline, or we let down someone because of our mistake , or we simply realize the chinks in our armor. A well-wisher once told me "Sometimes being too close to a problem can also play against us" and it made a lot of sense to me. Remember, to ask "What's the worst that can happen?" . Answer that question, try to clean up your act but never give up and surrender to a dangerous pattern of thinking that, "it's gone, i am done, this is the end of me'. Nothing is worth it. Nobody is worth it. You are what's worth. You are not just the money you make to your family or the results you deliver to your client. You have a family with you and they need you as much as you need them, never ever lose that thought.

I can go on. But, I stop here for a healthy pause . 

Be thankful, if you have something worthwhile to do with your time and for the very aspect of being alive. The IT Industry does have many dimensions and you trying to be true to yourself is all that matters. Do what you have got to do.  Help each other, pray you don't become the prey and don't forget the whole intent of all this experience - It's just a day at work. Life goes on ! 

I , am Ambrish Rangan , the President of Mundosa . My country is surrounded by crocodiles, in the form of powerful developed nations and given the topography of my country, the weather conditions and the poor decisions of the men in the past, I took over the office with little ammunition . In my zeal to win popular votes, I can't make decisions that make the outgoing Government look bad. I have to carefully enact policies that don't reflect decelerative politics. Describing the previous Leader in bad taste is an indirect way of me saying the people don't know how to vote. This can backfire. Hence, I can't undo everything that was already done before , I also can't restart something from scratch. I have to pick where it was and give it a new polish. To drive a country which is dependent on the resources it imports and the few items of value that gets exported, managing the internal and external affairs by winning everyone's heart and still driving a tough bargain like a vile fox is no easy feat. I chose my office and cabinet with great care, keeping in mind the power hungry jackals around me. I had to satisfy some of them to get me the support I need , when I made certain big decisions affecting the entire country. I know that at the end of the day, I am either a good man in the country or a good leader in the world. I can never win both sides of the battle. I will always be vilified in someone's perception and this is out of my hands. I am fully aware of my priorities and the resources at hand, yet I have to make decisions that will burn some bridges from time to time. I built my career with good education, carefully chosen company as friends and intelligent association with my arch nemeses, done simply with the intention to study their game in bringing me down.  

The increasing debt, the weather disasters, the communal riots and the precarious position I am in , to take a side between two warring countries in both sides of our border - I don't know which battle to take , how long I should put a fight, where do I have to submit and how to understand what actually can be seen as a win for me.  Some days, I just feel like encashing my exchequer and quitting all this nonsense once and for all. But with someone like me, who has seen the insides of this country, it will be an abuse of my breath if I chose to let all this influence I have go in vain. I might not be able to rewrite the entire book. But sure, I can change some of the chapters for as long as I hold the pen and sign under the prestigious label, 'The President'. I can't trust anyone anywhere, yet I have to give the impression that I do. The decisions I take are always a hit or a miss and either way, the pressure of converting a situation to the better is always on my shoulders. Simply because I sit in the highest chair and no one else shares my stock of responsibilities. 

I sometimes wanted to call up a friendlier nation and seriously bitch about the battles I am facing, but as much I would like to do that , it is the task of my diplomats and officers in charge of external affairs to do the handshakes and exchange notes. If it comes from me, it should be legit, always official and I am always quoted and under oath at all times. Imagine being seen by all, and still you have to hide your blinks and burps. I am tested most, when I have to prioritize between my 4 states during crisis situations. I naturally had to present a manifesto that was popular and sounding beneficial for 'everyone'. But to implement it takes time as I have to battle the holes that drill my wallet out of nowhere. While the country of Vidola and Naikoli were at severe loggerheads and Mundosa being in the middle had to take a stand on where it will support with it's resources, I also had to deal with a volcano situation in the State of Hultopy and a flood situation in Danitoba .  The opposition keeps firing bullets ruthlessly at me , giving me no second to slacken or make ONE wrong  move. Internally and externally, the carefully thought out decisions by my Informed officers finally go out from my mouth and in my voice as I am the one who signs under the dotted line in Green Ink. 

My own health , though with great assurance and support from the highest facilities I get to experience, is just but ONE decision of Life. If Life decides to not wake me up the next day, whatever I held the previous minute ceases to exist with me. I feel so powerful and so powerless at the same time during many times of the day but I am fully aware of this journey as I willingly wore the saddle and got up on the Horse. Sometimes I am caught in a moral quandary, as my personal sentiments are against the official code but I have to swallow what I feel to give way to what I should do.

Besides all this, I am also required to be aware of what happens in Wacamby , a country to the extreme opposite of us on the other side of the Earth because the Cameras never waste a moment to get my thoughts on what goes on everywhere. I sometimes question if all this is worth it, to be under fire and trying to do the right thing always. As time flies and every now and then there is a fresh line of attack and I have to reorient everything with fresh perspective.  No plan of mine goes through the estimated schedule or adheres the timeline. I Try. I simply try.  Whatever impression sticks to the public, sticks and as much as I can fool myself into thinking I control the narrative, I know I am but a pawn in the hands of destiny but wearing the King's Blazer for a brief while. My situation can be compared to the tender pistachio inside a rough exterior. I am roasted, licked and tossed around, according to the situation but I am always sought after for what I have to offer from the inside. And when the time comes, I break out of my shell only to be consumed by the first pair of eyes that see me, waiting ravenously to finish me off.

But I will not give up, for I am the chosen one and as long as I hold the office that matters the most, wield the pen that matters the most , I will do everything in my domain to get this country up and running with all that I have. Even the sun is frowned for the heat while some look forward to the summer in some places. Who am I , after all. A Human , with some elevated responsibilities and tools to handle that. I can try my best to pivot the status quo of Mundosa to the better. If it indeed humors my efforts and becomes better, I am lucky. If not, I know I join a long list of Men and Women, who have been in this chair , trying to do the same all these centuries. We all try . For some of us, it works out. For the Rest , we are just a 'yet another' and no one outside is privy to what actually goes on with someone who are in our shoes. 

To be a human and to be in Politics, makes a politician live 9 lives of drama in a single life. 

I liked a girl by name Kanaka in my school, we used to hang out after school as I disliked going back to my home immediately from school. We developed some childish attraction and have shared some kisses from time to time. Once I got more excited and she became nervous and didn't talk to me for days. Those were the most depressing days for me as I had no cell phone, no money for cable tv and my male friends are not much of a source of warmth. It's just fun , cussing and playing with the boys. I actually feel like a normal person when I am with her.  One day she herself came up to me boldly and told me that we should not let our emotions get the better out of us  , given that both of us were from poor families and if she ends up getting pregnant both their lives will become living hell. I agreed with her, apologized sincerely and  promised to not come near her unless she permitted.  Looking at my sincerity she pulled me closer and we had our longest kiss in months.  We dispersed after catching up with what was going on in our lives . She happened to tell me that she was planning to join a local supermarket as a sales girl as if she didn't do anything and sat at home, some elders in the family will take her up for family breeding to one of the relatives sons. I asked her what were the criteria involved for the selection and she said basic 10th grade pass with 70% score and decent looking. Both of us may not be the most gorgeous looking couple but we were decently good looking compared to our peers and we made a pact to study hard and take a job there.

Tenth board exams were done, results came out and as soon as we got to know our scores, we rushed to the supermarket to see if the vacancies were still there.. Luckily, due to the minimal salary,  menial benefits and maximum physical work,  people kept leaving the job and we both had a shot at the  job. We had a quick screening , we submitted our basic documents and promised to submit mark sheet once the school gave it to us . We enrolled in the super market and both our parents luckily didn't object to it , even though we didn't really ask them for their blessing.  Reason being, it wasn't a proper family set up, we were just people living together doing things for our own pleasure and self respect and ensured no one died. The fact that we will be bringing in some money into the families was the cherry on the top for our folks. Life went on normally, I used to have a simple routine and spend most of my daytime in the shop. To me, that was heaven for multiple reasons. I made money, spent time with a girl I really liked , there was tea/coffee three times a day  with some butter biscuits , there was air conditioning, I had uniforms and I developed self respect for what I did.  I didn't give the full money I made in the shop to my parents. We decided to not let our parents know about the actual salary , for obvious reasons. I decided to slowly build some savings from this opportunity. 

On some lucky days, me and kanaka will be working in the same booth and we will really work extra motivated those days. I learnt computer skills, basic sales skills, alertness and shrewdness in checking items and calculating offers etc and got to meet people way over my station , rich people, other language people and old folks etc. I felt life was finally showing some mercy on me. Often I used to get backpain because of the constant standing and billing , but a nice warm shower in the next morning fixes me magically. Sometimes the shop rolls out 50% off  offers on weekends and boy, it is hell for all of us sales folks. We have to do so much inventory work, pricing, package checking , cleaning , shelf arrangement and crowd management apart from the horrible billing work because the crowds will go crazy. Sometimes I used to recognize repeat customers and some of them used to bring me some used clothes or buy snacks from the store itself for me on their expense , and rarely some have even tipped me over the billing amount. I am not used to such acts of kindness and goodwill and it was very humbling to me. I have had such questionable upbringing but thankfully the one thing I did well in life was to not give in to such bad patterns.  I wasn't much attracted to smoking or drinking but the only adolescent vice I had was to watch some porn magazines which my boys used to bring whenever we met.  

One of those offer days, a customer had billed goods for 5000 INR and were in great hurry.  From their outlook and mannerisms , it was an easy call to deduce that they were rich. Out of their hurry, they went forgot their credit card at my counter and thankfully that day kanaka was my billing partner. She promised to manage the line while I quickly went to return the card to their owner . By that time, they were at the parking lot and were not even aware of the situation. When I stopped them to return the card, the man got out of the car and had a long look at me. He said, the card had no upper limit on daily spends and required no authorization for spending.  He grabbed me by my young tired self-respecting shoulders and told me that I was just one decision away from misusing the card to my whim. The reason why he was in a hurry was because they were leaving for Bangalore in 2 days and and they had to restock the provisions for the week for their college son to manage until they returned.  He gave me his number and asked me to come see him that evening after my shift. I went with high hopes to their flat, he invited me in and offered tea , snacks and asked about me . He then said, If I was interested , he was willing to hire me as an office assistant for his business once he returned.  I took a moment to think and honestly told him that his house was a bit far from my place and the travel cost and time might be a challenge for me. He then asked me to wait outside and had a long discussion with his wife. 

He then called me and told me, he will clear out the godown in the basement, and I can come and stay there with them and work during the day and retire back to the basement for the night . He said , that since he was permitting me to live and use the facilities of the house, I will be paid bi-monthly only as I will not be charged for any rent . I was allowed to eat , work and stay at their house and return to my family twice a month. I was also required to help on other affairs of the house like gardening, helping his college son with basic errands etc . I was basically adopted into their home with such good conditions . I agreed to everything he said . He finally gifted me with a basic cellphone with sim to be accessible to the family at all times. Life finally became heaven for me.  

I told a lie to my parents that I got a job in another city and promised to visit them once in a while. Kanaka continued to work in the shop and we met whenever I went to visit my parents to give money to them for their expenses. I gave some money to the local shop owners who had been feeding me all these years out of their selfless compassion.  They refused till the end but they finally accepted it when I said it was about my self respect . They told me, this was the cleanest money their hands ever touched and I became emotional.

I am telling all this to remind each one of you , how blessed your lives are , even for the most basic of things. If you had a family that cared, a place to live , good health and sound Personal ethics and character , you already won at life.  Be grateful , be a good person. That's all that matters.

There is not an experience that has missed my eyes in my long life . I still remember when Govind came to me , with tears in his eyes while he narrated about the lack of irrigation for his crops and opened his heart to me . I pleaded on his behalf and some rains were arranged on his name. He bore his heart and soul to me whenever we conversed. He had no fear of me misusing the trust he had on me and it was so heartening to see someone find that deep comfort in you and what you stand for . The other day , he lamented about the contaminated water, the industrial pollution that was affecting the saline levels and this time , he was worried that there might not be enough water itself, leave bad quality water . I comforted him, in my characteristic way , as he hugged me , patted me and stopped talking for some time until he composed himself in my halcyon presence. He left with a lighter heart with a ripe mango in his hand as I bid him farewell and eagerly longed for my next conversation with him. 

I am a Mango tree and I live in Govind's backyard and I am quite old. I have seen the rise in prosperity of Govind, over the years,  the way his family and living space improved. I find great purpose in my life as God's creation seek shelter in my presence, and it feels good that even though I am immobile because of who I am , I still have a magnetic effect on the recipients of my products. The other day , Kalia the crow was telling me about how it enjoyed a wonderful feast on a New Moon day in Govind's terrace as they seemed to lay out a great spread on those days without fail . It told me to always have an eye on their house, to protect them from earthquakes and other disasters.  I try to not cause too much litter , but because of my age and my eternal tryst with the forever partner, the Wind , I keep losing my leaves from time to time . I feel bad that Govind's household have to constantly clean my area. Albeit, truth be told, I did enjoy their company whenever they came to clean . The only times I feel a bit frustrated is when some children or random people throw stones at me for my mangoes and they don't wait for me to offer them at it's natural course . But what to do, there are so many of them out there and so few of us ( trees ) here and I pardon them . For what's worth , I feel needed and this is a penalty I have to pay for being kept alive. 

You have not the slightest idea , how it feels to hear my friends cry and moan, when they were uprooted and cut down by these people , to make way for yet another civil structure. One season, I fought against mother nature herself, as I refused to bear fruit, because I saw a Neem tree being cut down  . I got so pissed and I delayed my fruits by one month and even the first yield tasted average. But for Govind's pure love, I yielded , otherwise I couldn't selfishly carry on with my business while my fellow folks were abruptly ended . In a corner of my heart I knew that one day my time will also come, but I was sincerely hoping that Govind should not be the one to do it. He must never be put in a position so as to choose me or something else. I did have that much intelligence to understand that , with all his wealth and resources, Govind can easily take me down and build a new structure on my place and make some more money out of it.  But, in all my conversations, his love and gratitude for me was consistent , pure and without ulterior motives and I understood he will never lay a hand on me.  

Our folks got a tip from the bird flock that a major weather condition was to happen in the next few weeks and we better ensure our roots were strong enough . Govind carefully ensured that my roots were unaffected and the soil structure around me feet were solid. I lived by eating the love he had to offer and the rain and shine , the creator showered on me out of his mercy . I made a deal with the birds and my wind  buddy , to look for my most fertile parts and help me live incase the weather disaster ended me.  A couple of dogs and some cows helped carry the fertile fruits and stems that had some life force in them. My wind buddy randomly shook my branches as these creatures picked the selected ones and started scattering them in places where they felt I will survive. The process was like this, my wind buddy tickles me, the birds pecked my selected branches as I jokingly told them to look here, look there . 

I had to look out for them , as the humans might think some stray animals were loitering around their premises and chase them away.  Little did they knew that a whole project was underway here. The chosen parts of me that fell down - the seeds and stems were carried by my animal friends . The cows selected the spots, they weakened and moistened the spot by stamping on the soil , the dogs started digging , the cows then rained dung and urine for manure , then the dogs started cremating the place with the loose and damp sand. It was so heartwarming to see how the creator finds ways to maintain his creation. If only humans could learn or listen to us. It was funny, when once I saw a snake also help but since the cows were a bit afraid and I also know that Govind is not fond of snakes, I politely requested him to not participate. However, I did give him a task.  I asked him to look out for rats , mice and squirrels, and scare them away as my fertile parts were being taken to the chosen spots.  These creatures enjoy my fruits as well , but for now my priorities were clear. To survive , beyond test of man and Time. 

This went on for few days, when the day of the cyclones arrived. It was a terrible show. My wind buddy warned me that he had to do this and requested my cooperation as it was a command from the head office to cause torrential rains and high speed winds. I agreed with him, but sought his help in not excavating the carefully planted saplings strewn around. He said, he will move some boulders and heavy  objects as protection , so that the excess wind and water didn't kill them.  I patiently saw Nature do it's thing. A few hard days, but then it became normal. As the water drained and the humans started rebuilding their lives because of the ruthless cyclone , I saw Govind open his window and look at me from a distance. I kind of shrugged a few leaves and broken twigs on my higher branches , to let him know I was still alive and I am still standing. I could see a smile come on his face , as 

I mentally transmitted a message to him - "Nature never takes down nature . Its you all , who have to take care of us , because if you don't, we end up obeying instructions from the creator to teach you all some not so pleasant lessons".

Take care of the environment, may the fertility of mother nature never be prioritized over Man's never ending Vanity. 

The day came, I had a good meal and I was a bit antsy on the inside. But I read my emotions and understood that they were not coming from a bad place, but merely, a basic human response to doing something for the 1st time. He saw me come in. Out of nowhere, I felt like a lamb willingly allowing itself to be butchered in the hands of the cheetah it allowed itself to be befriended. But I made up my mind and decided that I will not backoff and will see this through. Come on, What the heck ,Viv ! I said to myself. 

He said, to make myself comfortable as I saw a neatly arranged bed with cushions, manageable air conditioning and some fluids, incase I got a bit exhausted for the after... He corrected the lights as he said sometimes It might make some people revolt and asked me if I was ok with it and I whispered, that everything was perfect. He came closer, kissed my forehead and held my hands for a few seconds, regulated my breathing and made sure, I was not rushing into it. He ensured I was comfortable, relaxed and able to enjoy what was about to happen. 

I closed my eyes, as I realized that I was going to finally cross something off my list, and this had been there for a while. I had seen my friends post about this, and I kind of lagged , as I lacked courage and purpose. I needed someone I could trust when I committed to this and here I was. Lying down. Andrew pressed my hands again, kissed my palms , and slowly massaged my forearms. I could feel my heart racing but still, I was strangely in control of my breath. He came closer, and slowly inserted. That moment - that very moment, I had never experienced an emotion like that before in my life. The thought that what I am doing , is going to support a life, reassured me, gave me a unique pleasure and subdued my many years of fear of doing this right, with the right person. I bit my lip, as I was confident he knew how to do this with me and I let go off myself that moment. I can't describe the emotion that I was going through that moment, He was so gently in control as he began to work on me. As I looked at him approvingly, he smiled and taking cue, pressed further and then ...

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drew my blood into the sanitized sachet hanging beside, connected to a machine that amazingly began to pump and rotate steadily. He gave me a smiley ball and asked me to periodically press it, as I could see finally that I managed to go past my fear of Needles and Donate Blood.  I am 24 years old and I had been suffering from Fear of needles, and my boyfriend was a Nurse at the local clinic. 

This was written with the view, to give you an unforgettable story to remember . I entreat you to kindly, humbly request you to take good care of yourself and donate blood at healthy intervals. A walk into a blood bank will let you know how much of a serious affair this is everyday and how patients are suffering, waiting for blood components from matching healthy donors. Life isn't taken for granted and sometimes it becomes too late when we realize this.  Our body is capable of repairing itself, with a healthy diet and lifestyle and what can be more magical than that? I am not going to lecture you about the benefits of Blood donation - because it is your responsibility to do it now.  Don't we grapple with our best efforts to arrange funds when somebody put out a ketto link or some kind of a charity towards a cause? If we can donate money, can't we not donate some honey from this god gifted instrument called the Human body ?  Read about the qualifications, restrictions, benefits and rules about blood donation and try to regularly participate in such blood bank camps. Not to blow my own trumpet, but I have donated thrice in my life and I am working towards being more regular about this in the future to come.  Every drop matters and Every life counts. 

On that note, I sign off , for this year and I wish you all the blessings you rightfully deserve in your life. 

May all be well. . May all be well. . May all be well.

Rashmika and Hermando had been married in a wonderful thought-out ceremony in the august presence of friends and family.  People wishing the young couple their very best while secretly flaunting their latest wardrobe and accessories and the men silently subtly making husband-wife jokes between themselves. They went on their personal trip to meghalaya, spent days in marital harmony and as the days passed. Rashmika started showing her bump. Sometimes, more than the actual experience, the period before the experience, when you know something Good is going to happen is so magical. Like the friday before a monday holiday scenario, dark clouds before a rain, in the eyes of a farmer etc. They both held each other's hands and minds together,  eager to receive the new born and expand their flock. The day arrived, a beautiful girl was born. And then it happened. The baby happened to show no signs of hearing. It was born deaf. But her features were so fine and she looked like someone who was so well incubated in a mother's love even when she was in the womb. God doesn't send someone in our lives without a reason. Like the cliched way to put it, its either an experience or a lesson. They named her Raagini , indicating even though she couldn't hear own voice, her mere existence was a melody ( Raaga - in Indian parlance means a melody ) . Years passed as Raagini came of age and it was time to get her married. 

Meanwhile, the Yadav clan were also looking for a bride for their son Vagesh (meaning, Lord of Speech). Vagesh, was a handsome young man , performing a key role in the mechanical industry. He was careful to not choose the Technology Industry for making his money as there is lot of vocal communication  involved and our prince, Vagesh, happened to suffer from Stammering. Growing up, he battled the trauma as some impatiently waited for him to complete a sentence , while some looked at him with pity when he merely wanted to be treated like the rest of them. But there was no solution to this. He had a decent manly voice, but every now and then, he stumbled across a word or two and this was a silent chink in his armor. He pursued skills around machines, automobile industry and began to be successful on his job. The Yadav couple had a similar, "Oh Lord - what have you sent us" moment, when they first discovered their boy was struggling to speak as he hit kindergarten. It's never easy to be a parent when you can't do nothing about a situation and also you just can't accept the situation, particular if its about your child. 

One good day, Vagesh was out with his friends discussing about their project and he was explaining the latest model to a group of people in a public camp. This was the toughest part of his job - it was all magical and natural for him as he built his product but when he had to talk about it, it was hellfire. Raagini was one among the audience, as she was attentively listening about the product ( a moped ) which she hoped she would gift her dad before she got married. She listened , by reading Vagesh's lips as he began to praise the new model for its mileage, make and model design. The crowd slowly dispersed and Raagini was deeply contemplating placing an order to get an additional discount on the first 100 purchasers of the model. Vagesh's eyes finally locked with Raagini, as she by a strange pull started walking towards him even as she was making the sentences in her head to communicate to him. Vagesh began to sweat as Raagini , was conventionally a pretty girl with fine features and he was insanely irritated that she might not like him for his own defect. Yet, he stood his ground as this was about work. She came up to him and started making signs when a sudden sense of relief and an instant guilt overtook him. He was happy, she couldn't hear, but he immediately realized how wrong it was to even have such a thought. 

They conversed with each other for a good 30 minutes, as Vagesh began to show her around, give her pamphlets and gave his card with his number incase she followed up with her initial interest. A day passed when Vagesh received a text from a new number, and he felt an instant ray of joy. Their conversations were initially about the moped, but soon gracefully grew about their own lives. They began to meet over casual coffees as Raagini soon placed an order with a good discount as they themselves were drawing cupid towards them. Hermando was delighted as a father but his joy turned into suffocation as he realized what an angel his girl was and how he was going to secure her future. Raagini and Vagesh , in one of those interactions finally decided to bear their soul and express their mutual affection about each other. And then onwards, there was no slowing down. They grew insanely close, developed trust in each other and felt supremely secure about their respective defects. 

They called on their parents and declared their love for each other. The story of  how Vagesh's broken verbal dance was still a music to Raagini's ears and how her silence was still an auditorium of Love and confidence for him began to be reality. The Yadav clan and Hermando couple met, realized that after all these years of trying to do right by their children, it paid off. The couple got married in a blessed ceremony and started , probably the most Loving, Secure and unbreakable vow of marriage as theirs was handpicked by destiny, neatly merging their missing pieces in such a way there was nothing left incomplete.

Yes - when something happens not according to how we expected, it is tough. But we only see what we see. Children born with defects are not randomly sent to parents. Life hand picks the couples, because they know that these souls will simply thrive only in such loving circumstances. That these souls will still feel whole despite the pieces missing in them. And probably as much grueling and uneasy it might be , as a parent, if at all you happened to do right by your child, however they were, you have no idea how much blessing you are going to attract upon your soul. 

I wish that after reading this, everyone demonstrates respect before sympathy , kindness before impatience when we meet a 'special' person. It's indeed a Luck to be 'Normal' for nature could have just changed one value - one small value while we were being configured in our mother's womb to make us a special person. Except that, it didn't and we are blessed to be born whole. Express non-judgmental kindness, respect and admiration for any person who happens to miss a gift or two, for God and Nature is watching over us every second . All it takes is just one move. Let's be grateful to God and graceful to Life, despite the secret imperfections we 'think' we are having , for there are some out there who are much more ...I leave it to you to complete the sentence.  

We had a recent fight over something so stupid and she was giving me the cold war. Messages were being replied late - intentionally. "Good morning honeyboo" changed to morning , followed by an eye roll. And I knew , it was one of those passing phases and we were matured enough to not let cracks bother us. We rarely have had earthquakes , but cracks , yeah. Usual couple stuff , especially our daily habits were a bit different and we only agreed in being ourselves without bothering the other. Not much of "Imma change for you and u gonna somersault for me" model here. We could be together , because we were able to be ourselves , but both of us knew eventually, one of us had to transform ourselves and be the bigger person at some point. Otherwise, the nearness wouldn't happen. That extra effort , to you know , glide in , be with them , like them etc, as simple as drinking tea with them even though you are a coffee person.  Enough of the Dr Phil for now. So, she wasn't her usual chirpy self and me being the clever boyfriend had a list of fool proof fail safe "win me over" strategies when Nikki goes south or gets pissed off. Girls , let me tell you. You never know where the trigger is hidden . It's like , they keep moving places . What wouldn't have caused a problem one day, would suddenly be a flame thrower on another. Being in a "committed-yet not formally committed" relationship always keeps you on your toes! 

The latest stand-off was persisting a bit more and I was kind of missing the physical closeness with her. So, one Friday, after work I decided to surprise her.  We were at the parking lot and I picked her up and told we will go to place to chill for an early dinner. She really fought to appear unamused and as I got closer and closer to the venue , I noticed her grip on me become tighter and she even moved closer - unconsciously. The Drama queen realized I was taking her to the RAMESHWARAM CAFE , in Whitefield. I was checking her face reactions on the rear view mirror and just when we entered the entrance, I could see a smile escape her "fake angry" lips , which she quickly turned off.  I knew, I was doing the right thing and I was on track till now, unless I did or said something at the Cafe. 

Oh god , the place - lemme tell you . Their Ghee Podi idly and the Garlic Roast masala dosa . They are generous with the ingredients they use, such that even looking at them prepare your orders make you extra hungry. A well thought out planned construction design, ample air circulation and visibility where everyone can see everyone. The otherwise super dressed youngsters and hippie youths were in their absolute candid clothing, shorts , sandals , hair tied in messy buns and stuff. You could see that people were comfortable and really wanted  to be in the place. The chefs squirt ghee over the idly and the dosa to such an extent, you can see Cardiologists waiting at the entrance with their prescriptions. But the taste - mamma-mia. Bite after bite , one must savor the flavors and the richness of the dishes. Flat idlies are not something so common in Chennai, its more of a plumpy design. But here , it was so well done. The simplicity, yet the depth in taste. The chutneys and sambar were well done, thankfully not sweet like traditional Karnataka fashion. I have a high spice profile and It was a pleasant dining experience for me and Nikki. I could see that she was relaxing her nerves, all excited as we were slowly enjoying their popular dishes. The token system was also a novel way to hook youngsters as we can order by ourselves on a standalone "help yourself" machine and do the payment with little external help. Then they give us these beeping devices that ring when your order is ready, small exciting stuff. 

You could see the chefs preparing the dishes in plain naked view . So there was little room for doing naughty behind-the-door kitchen stuff like the distasteful rumor about hotels where chefs were alleged to drop their forehead sweat onto heated cooking pans . The thought of it makes me purge - but here, the boys were pretty organized and appeared to follow a methodical approach. The food slurped down our tongues and even made my Fake angry baby to take a bite of the Vada from my plate. She didn't realize she had let the guard down - thanks to the universal weakness of man - Food. She was enjoying it so much, she was sweating from the spice and appeared calmer and than how she projected herself at work a few hours before today. The cooking area was also neatly segregated behind a solid stone structure design, the cool granite like stairs and even restroom facility to immediately relieve yourself - it appeared to be a proper eating haven.  I had been here once with a male buddy and I am thankful to that jackass for bringing me here . To top if off, we had a coffee and the pattern continued. Such richness and perfect flavor , we just simply sat for a full minute or two as we were literally letting our bodies embrace the incoming delights. Tissues were also there, along with metal spoons that were in hot water for hygiene. We slowly got up, trying to not dash on to someone,  as people were swarming the place like flies. 

I took the bike , she wore her helmet and I was about to go straight to go through the shorter route , when my girl whispers in my ears. Take the U turn and stop in the pharmacy. Boy , I knew It was going to be a fun weekend and I had officially won her back with some fine food and no blabbering.  I made a careful U turn , got down , secured the essentials and slowly began to drive into the cool sunset as the dark clouds seem to get ready to give the place a good wash . Her hands came to the Ideal position when we were on the ride - around my waist as I gasped saying - Careful, it's full ! We both laughed and she deliberately hugged me tighter and bit my back to such an extent I shouted and startled a nearby lying dog out of the way. 

That's all folks. Rameshwaram Cafe , magical place, where you can get your romantic fights resolved. It's also a good place for the stags and singletons, as you never know , if it was your day , you might get yourself an available person ! Cheers . 

PS : I stop the description here as to what happened that Weekend for decency and also , to leave room for your own imagination ! Wink ;)

I make my bread by doing business with gold , right from mining , transportation , cleaning and exporting it to sellers with meaty tenders.  One of those days, I was returning in my private custom made vehicle that was designed to carry gold ores/extracts with all the dirt and non-valuable filth around it. I personally travel with my team when they hit a good spot, oversee them mine and extract it and then organize it's transit to my godown which is also beside my mansion. As life would have it, we were going through the usual path when a dog came from nowhere and made my driver hit the brakes suddenly. The vehicle with all it's weight couldn't handle the shock and we toppled on a slope like muffins. But thanks to my stars , the last turn of the vehicle was in such a way it landed in its wheels and we escaped with minor concussions as we wore excellent safety belts and had smart cushioning in the jeep. It took a minute for me to realize that we could have almost drowned as our tires had nearly got stuck in the water slush. This is very nearby my property and I never saw a day coming when a harmless place such as that would almost decide If I will live or die. We then vroomed up the slope, got back on the road with shaken hearts as the doors of my godown opened only to hear my workers yell in horror.  The gold extract that was on the back had toppled and fallen into the water body and we didn't even think about that as our own survival dominated our minds during the incident. 

I came to my house went to my altar , closed the door much to the dismay of my family.  I opened my heart which was welled up in tears. I cried at the helplessness of the situation as all my plans of landing a big profit this quarter was gone in seconds with no forewarning. I started shouting and lamenting so much that if god was indeed physically inside that room , he would have drowned in the tears that came out of me that day. I gathered myself after a few hours , came out as my wife came running to me checking if something was physically wrong with me and I told her the incident with great emotional fortitude. She held my hand firmly , we spent the next 30 minutes talking to each other how to get through the situation. When the phone rang. 

It was my auditor. He was literally shouting at the top of his lungs. He told that due to some anonymous tip the IT officials were racing to my place to conduct an impromptu raid and should I have any undeclared assets as of that moment ,I was immediately to be declared a tax defaulter . Considering the amount of money I make, it is not a surprise to expect the crocodiles I work with to plot vile stratagems to get the better off me. But what they don't know is that I am a firm believer in God and He has never let me down. I quickly told my servants to get the receipts almirah ready, which I always had in order for such eventualities. I heard the sirens and soon a very masculine knock on the door made me jump. In little time, I was pinned down to my sofa as the officials went about ruthlessly, heartlessly with a laser eye ransack the place for any questionable items of value.  It was the most painful heart wrenching, disturbing, turbulent 60 minutes of my life. Imagine getting slapped twice when you were expecting a kiss. First my gold extract and then this . Thanks to my strict financial etiquette, the tax officials couldn't find artifacts that threatened my career and they departed with a rude "Thanks for the co-operation". 

I went to bed without having my dinner and constantly prayed to god to make me understand what he was doing to me. My wife, in shambles equally, helped me maintain a good positive mind. She constantly touched me, spoke with me and disturbed me literally. She literally didn't allow me to spend a minute in silence as she knew I had all the ammo with me to talk me into a severe bout of depression and sorrow. 2 days passed and it was a Saturday, when I happened to casually take a stroll across the same water body thinking about the other day. Just a few minutes from me I saw a man fall down the exact same way we did. This time, it was because of a slippery rock . I quickly grabbed an iron chain by the wall which had a hook  as I called out to my chief servant to come and help the man who was about to drown. We threw it down to him as the iron kept hitting the sand and stone mixture in a haphazard manner as the man started crying like he was being tortured . Like you were being fried in hot oil - and I am not joking. He shouted so raucously I feared the chain might have hit his body or something but there was no blood. In a few minutes  we managed to pull him up as I went to inspect what had made him shout in such horror. When it was my turn. 

Due to the constant grappling and that man clawing the sludge trying to keep himself up,  the gold extract that was locked between the slush in an awkward angle had got released from its position. I let out a loud cry but this was in sheer joy. My servant thought seriously there was something terrible below , when he saw me pat the extract in such gratitude and in some time we got the extract airlifted safely onto our godown.  I had the man well rested in my guest room as my workers started processing the gold extract . This man tells me the most darndest thing. Apparently, a few days ago he lost his younger brother due to a water accident and he couldn't save him even though he was nearby . This had developed an overnight undefined hydrophobia in him. He had developed such a fear of water that he just took sponge baths and anything resembling water made him bat shit crazy. So when he was about to drown there, he had acted in sheer fight-flight situation and it had strangely reversed the overnight hydrophobia he had  developed. And I happened to be there by "chance" when he fell down. 

Now if you recollect the order of events - me getting my gold extract, me losing it, the auditor warning me about the impending tax fraud danger, the man falling down , the man losing his hydrophobia and me getting back my possession - one thing is very clear.  Every damn thing happens for a reason. Good or bad. You might think that the situation you are currently in is so unfair causing you much pain and you just want to end yourself. But if by your will , you managed to hang around just for some more time, until life was done with your lesson, just enough to give life the time to reward you , trust me, you will be rewarded. No matter how dark the situation , never mentally put yourself into a defeatist-depressive mindset. God , took me a through a turn of incidents so severe that it would have almost imploded me . But he had also blessed me with the tools to handle it. I had my servants, my wife and most importantly a heart that prayed to him with divinely inspired will and faith. I didn't submit meekly to the outcome of the life's acid test, I simply accepted its hegemony over me in the name of fate. I played my part, and I didn't exit the game. I continued to breathe, until when it was my Time again , and it all unfolded beautifully the way God intended for me. How disastrous would it have been for me if I had brought the gold extract with no accident - I would have got caught in a tax fraud, the man would have continued to suffer from his mental fear and I would have never seen the light of the day. But God, gently brought in a darkness that he directly orchestrated , simply nudged me through it , and then made it all bright again when I was ready . Faith literally moves mountains and dear reader - I supplicate my hands to you , never lose hope. 

Trust that blessings are on your way , just wait your turn.  

May you stay inspired and Blessed always ! 

Oh Boy - Where do I start. There's nothing like a well executed trip to overseas that can fix a monotony that my life was for the past 3 years. It was a dreamy Business visit that will stay with me for life as I am one secret sentimental santa, though I don't wear it on my collars for all to notice. Here is me - unboxing my smorgasbord of Lovely impressions that were bubbling from within me as I walked and walked through the well laid roads of Suomi Land, Finland - The Happiest Country. 

Warning : This will be a long read, I have written it with a lot of honest passion and admiration, so take a break for few minutes to experience this as I you take you to Finland , the way I saw it. 

The Transport System

If their buses were people , I would probably start dating them. From marked seats for the old, pregnant, people with pets , disabled folks to healthy youths , the buses are moving Disneylands. There is this attractive woman who seductively announces every stop in Swedish and Finnish as it arrives. The buses tend to strictly keep up their timetables and ruthlessly take off when the clock is right with no excuses. There are these stop buttons in fine condition that when pressed alert the Driver with a red LED sign and a ping pong sound that says someone wants to get down. There are ropes to hold onto , in the ceiling like in India, to help those standing, the doors open and close at the driver's whim, who doesn't operate it as per their whim .The code of conduct is so infectious. The seats are comfortable and there are fricking dustbins inside buses y'all. I mean, I can hog on a creamy croissant in my hand on the way to office and not worry about throwing away the package as there will be a bin in the bus. 

They extensively use the Public transportation system as much as cars that rule the road. The trams are no less - their unique design and build are so well thought out that one can't imagine how the large buses and petite trams travel side by side without brushing against each other. The balance is so magical - they just stay in their own lanes and don't swerve from the expected trajectory . They have these zonal ticket systems , where one can purchase tickets on the app or take them physically. These are magical pieces of papers that seem to store a lot of information. You tap it in the Ticket reader and it beeps its approval or disapproval. The driver looks at you like a Father on his teenage son when he is at the laptop using internet, and you have to get that beep that says your ticket is valid. Else, you just don't board the bus. 

Lots of skateboarders and L shaped unique tricycles (segways) offer you interesting company. They operate so fast but so silent that when you blink, they are past you.  Not a trace of smoke or smell of fuel odor can be experienced there.  The air is so clean despite the super active transport model.  Bigger buses such as the onnibus offer rides across cities for a larger price - where you show the driver your code and they take the last 4 digits and print you a small receipt. I mean, to imagine printers working in buses is just overwhelming! And who can forget the charging slots in buses. Finland buses just don't have an in-bus coffee station or grocery cabin. Otherwise, one may as well live in them.  These usb slots allow us to charge our spent phones on the go and it has good upload speed as well. All buses have this feature. Onnibuses even have individual seat belts as they travel long distance with different models of sunshades as their buses have these huge glass see through exteriors unlike the ones in India. It is suggested to climb in the front and get down in the middle or last doors unless you are in a hurry to avoid dashing against incoming passengers. 

The HSL app is the one source of truth for anyone riding their buses - they have a perfectly stable app that always works. Install it and simply key in the details asked off the app and like how the entire country functions - it invisibly directs you to be this independent self sufficient individual. It displays a variety of options that lets you decide how much you want to walk, whether you wish to take the tram, train or bus. The bus stops are also linked with the HSL app, so when you are standing at the stop, you know for a fact that "this # bus is coming going to this xyz place will be arriving in this # minutes".  An invisible unpaid tourist guide after all !

Metro trains tend to suck you through the tunnels as they travel with such speed and you better hold onto something , else you will end up kissing or head butting a stranger as you lose your grip.  They rarely Honk and if somebody honks at you - be ready to bury your face in the ground in shame . They have this beautiful code of ethics , that they religiously respect, and if somebody disrupts it, it is just looked down harshly. Their cars or buses don't have sounds that beep and give you migraines when they are about to make a turn, its just a gentle blinking light.  Overall, super cool Transport Infrastructure. 

The Weather 

Finland's weather system is actually a Video game operated by god. It doesn't meet the standard expectations of what we identify as a day or night. Coming from a tropical place, I was waiting for the sun to set so that I don't feel guilty to go to the bed - but it just wouldn't. This is in summer - in winter , it's the opposite. I hear that it will always be dark like you are inside a tent in the woods and just for tradition the sun hops out for a few hours in front of them and then probably goes back to its position to stand in front of Chennai( South India) and roast us out. It was so comical and unbelievable and unreal to see the place outside still bubbling with people and vehicles as late as 11 pm. Technically this is the summer for them, but my first week it was quite cold and I lovey dovey looved it. That's because I had the sun up on me all through the Chennai summer and I didn't fly all the way there to get more Suomi Sun. Thankfully, I found good cause to wear all my cold weather gear in my island trips such as Suomenliina. The impact was there you know- the full drill, lips becoming dark and chapped, skin becoming dry with white patches etc and I ended up becoming a Vaseline Bimbo. I applied face cream, lip balm , hand cream and deo. I felt so sexy for the first time because of all the decorations I imposed on myself there. Check out my pictures in Instagram if you don't take me for my word. Boo. I heard that the snow would be ruthless and winters are depressing as you can't go out as much as you want to but would be worth experiencing for the sake of it. It can also be said that since they see more winter/ darkness than sunny days, their work calendars also sync up with that pattern. They tend to come and leave early and value punctuality. If at all a finn gives you a negative feedback about something, you really have exhausted all their straws because they seldom open their mouth and silently put up with it without a direct acknowledgement of their displeasure.

The People 

There is a saying in my local language , that roughly translates to the meaning - One speck of rice is enough to judge the entire pot. This can be categorically applied on the Finns. They are one Honest bunch who take their rules and unspoken layers of discipline to the dot. To the outsider, they may appear to be Zoned out , lost in their own personal thoughts but once you get their attention, you end up going weak on the knees. I felt like a dummy sometimes when I would throw a casual remark in the air about the weather or a sea-gull that stole a bread and not one person near me will look at me or acknowledge the sound that came from my mouth. They respect privacy that much and are such private people. In India, we keep all our channels open for any kind of sound that comes from any direction and typically here, we will say something back or nod heads or simply laugh.  But boy once you get their undivided attention, as in, you look into their eyes and ask for something, their eyes wont move an inch from yours until they are convinced you are helped enough. It's the interest and sincerity with which they reply that makes you just want to squeeze them out like a soft toy. You know for a fact that they have come out of their private pod just to enter your consciousness to talk to you and until you end the conversation , they care to make sure you are attended. The sincerity just touches you man. They give honest feedback if you ask them nicely after earning their trust but be careful to not give a feedback without weighing the amount of veracity in it. Every impression they have of you comes from a basis of trust, so try to not be lose on your words. They speak plainly and are practical but not rude or impolite. At the risk of sounding racist, I will go on a limb and say finns have all the strangest eye colors, half the time you end up looking if it was real or contacts. 

One of my friends left a jacket in a busy factory and she called them up saying if someone comes claiming it on her name, that be returned , and it was returned the next day. It's not like there aren't people there who don't need a free lying article - they mostly choose not to stake claim over something that's not theirs. I also saw an unattended clutch on a bus stop the other day and I am sure that lady didn't flinch a bit . She probably came the next day to get it. Just unreal. Dropped coins remain there and stay until someone let their intrusive thoughts win to pocket it.

As much private they are, if you happen to lock eyes with someone in a segway or a cycle or even power walking, they will give you a friendly "hello there-how you doing" nod with a crisp grin and you end up reflecting the same. 

The Senile Souls

Old age - what does it mean ? Is it an icecream flavor ? This might be what a finn would ideally react when you try to impose the standard patterns of old age . People of all ages , especially the old ones walk briskly, some even jog and I end up getting a sweat worrying about them if they might tear a ligament or two. They take buses, trams, trains , come to parties and graciously shake a hip , work on laptops on complex applications , make their own food and money with no trace of sorrow or self pity. Their definition of happiness is like - Be content in your own lot , let others be . Even the policemen are approachable and not grumpy - though they have a astute eye on what's going on . It looked like just because you were old, you don't need to dial down your life's pleasures or change your living model for the heck of it. Be yourself, do what you want to do as long you think you can do something seems to be the ideology there and this kind of makes someone forget their age. 

The Language System

Since English is still not the dominant language there, it might be a small challenge . BUT - when you ask for help , even if sometimes they are not able to help the outsiders with a text to be literally translated into pure English, watching them put that effort to help you itself tugs your heart strings for the care they take just because you asked them.  They would sometimes ask another zoned out finn nearby how to translate something from Finnish to English and they try hard. But most speak fluent English fair enough and its not a problem at all. Albeit, buying food and consumables might be a challenge as many products have only Finnish-Swedish and even Russian text but not English. Yet you can make out as the words are more or less contextually relatable. They have such a romance with Sweden ( pakkoruotsi may be) that everywhere you always see Fi-Sw-En combinations for helping natives, Swedish and English speakers . Right from coffee vending machines to malls in maps , that sense of intelligence to make sure you don't need to ask another for help - that self sufficiency is naturally made clear there. Their words are usually long , I mean, if I can write long long enough. Something like lakutaku okumingi mimosa. ( fyi that's not a real word but most words want to make sure the other alphabets don't feel bad, so they end up pairing up as many letters possible in a word). Though they are not voluntary chatters, when a fin starts speaking, they talk at least for a few minutes just to speak an actual simple word. ( Grossly exaggerating here for humor, but you get the feel of it). I tried my hand speaking some common words of greetings and boy you must see the delight in their eyes when I made that small effort. Just plain sweet souls they are. 

The Farsightedness of the Society 

I mean, if there is a society where someone who is on a wheelchair or is blind doesn't feel sad for themselves, can go out proud and independent, it is that kind of an infrastructure their society has preserved. I noticed how there were ramps in buses ( boy, I love them again ) and trains, for people on wheel chairs , braille dots for maps in malls and stop switches in buses and sloping ramps along stairs in subways for those youthful ones. The roads are solid as a banyan tree, with strategically placed drainage provisions for melting snow or an occasional rain. There are buttons on roads if you want to force the signal to make way for a walker to cross the road and you don't have to wait for the 'tick-tick-tick' green signal to turn green.  The vehicles gently halt if they see someone waiting, even when if there was no signal to monitor to make way for pedestrians - it all just feels so organized, and the sense of road discipline they have is so admirable. Though I must say, the drivers don't cut a slack once they started moving - you are simply not supposed to do something that is not right, like jumping a red or waving for the bus to stop on a non-designated stop spot. Though, they may make an exception for pregnant women. 

The Shops - The Place in General

Most of the doors automatically end up opening on their own and you repeatedly end up being puffed up in pride as though people opened them for you. But there is also a confusing situation when you have to open the doors from inside out and chances are you will end up bruising someone's nose. There are are variety of chains through the city and you can always count on an ALEPA to serve you 24 hours with everything that's required for you to run a house. You have these K-markets and S-markets that are like bigger version of supermarkets with a wide variety of all the daily products , like literally everything that you need . And there are these even bigger Outlets that are like elder cousins of K and S markets - namely the LIDL and PRISMA outlets that for crying out loud , again have everything at affordable prices. If you wanted to getter budget friendly articles still of good quality, do check out their "Normal" shops with a cool font. Otto machines are installed strategically to withdraw money or get cash and have simple procedures to do them , to help any outsider.  Some of these machines have a transaction charge but in my observation Otto machine didn't have a transaction charge when you withdrew bills. They have a large variety of brand outlets like Calvin Klein and High-fashion chains in malls like the ones in Helsinki ( Mall of Tripla, City Center, Forum etc)  for you to purchase anything you want. In summers, since the sun is out for a longer time, you find the streets abuzz with pubs, Ravintolas (suomi for restaurant) and all kinds of shops that have the "Tervetuloa" sign in them encouraging you to make impulsive purchases and regret for hours later. They also have these R-Kioskis that are havens for passengers on the move - they have all the ready to go items that you need on a travel right from simcards to water bottles, snacks , fruits and travel accessories. If you were in public or in a transport system, you can confidently walk into one of these and support yourself with that one item you were missing when you don't have the time to walk-in to a bigger outlet .  

The Food Story 

The Finnish food preference might be a passive culture chock to the traditional Indian tongue as we are used to having a formula for each taste bud. Our level of spice and color may not be the fundamental preference of Finns and if you wanted to eat in a place where they served spicier food, you have to do some research.  Me - ?  I went with a childlike all embracing mindset, so I was able to respectfully accept their preferences in food . There are so many options of candies and chocolates , oh boy the Fazer outlets and what not - you can get Type-2 diabetes simply by walking the roads of Finland. They have so many flavors and varieties of chips/crisps and toffees and confectionary and bakery items . You can spend one day each in a week to relish each of these and then finally die out of diabetes and heart disease induced obesity, as you became a full-on glutton after falling prey to their wonderful snacks. It's a challenge to "eat right" in a place that offers you with this many "cheat" options. Burger shops such as Hesburger offer you some quick tasty buns and fries. Tap water is largely potable and you don't need to go for filters to purify water. This might be another cultural surprise for an outsider, as they might be used to having different sources of water for each purpose.  They drink a lot of coffee and that too dark coffee. So milk is not their primary preference - it's optional. If you really wanted to have some dairy, you can count on these small milk pockets or Oat milk options that can be confidently mixed with the dark roast coffee to give you that nice buttery feel. 

My Experiments

What's the point in going to a different country and still be the same ? I took many saunas the Finnish way ( IYKWIM ) , used toilet papers and paper napkins in contrast to me using the water model out here , drank all sorts of black coffee , tried their famous Salmiakki - they have this affinity towards Liquorice and its an acquired taste. I groomed myself enough to not make a face when I put a liquorice product in my mouth as an expectant finn looks at me waiting for my response to "How is it". I mean, not all dig everything - but this particular flavor needs to be understood before we pass hasty judgements on it. It is an interesting flavor profile and I honestly think, a couple of more times I tried it, I will also enjoy it like the natives.  I have a walking physique and hence I didn't mind the walks in the country, but one must be prepared to walk a lot in Finland if you wanted to move around. I tried their oat milk and I enjoyed it without complaints. Their hand faucets are mysteriously connected with a nearby tap in the sink, so it's either this or that. You need to run the tap and then press the hand faucet nozzle to get that water gun effect . Drinking water from taps and using dishwashers with many models was also a nice experience. I have lived in the USA for around a year, so this was not new to me, but still I liked the feel of it. I am a very perfume oriented person, though I don't sweat or smell, I use a lot of perfume oil and scents on me as that is my trademark grooming ritual. Be prepared to get a slap of aroma when I come towards you and don't stifle that sneeze. I will gladly take it as a compliment. On the contrast, Finnish detergents, chemicals and toiletries and even deos are not the strong ones - they are gentle , soft on the skin and even scarily odorless but effective nevertheless. That was a "Ohhh that's interesting" moment for me. Another cultural observation I made was how they are hesitant to take currency bills in exchange - for some reason, they don't exchange cash of different denominations. They will politely refuse to do so, even if they might have it with them, And escalators - they are large , fast and long . You are supposed to stand on the right , if you are one of those persons to ride it till the last step as the busy athletic ones will run past you on the left side. So if you are there and you want to appear all acclimatized, stand on the right on the escalators. Thank me later.  Try the Fisherman's Friend mouth refreshener, it helps during Travel and go easy on the beer/alcohol as they boast a plethora of options if you are someone to down a drink or two !

I had a blessed opportunity to travel to another country , Estonia on the FINLANDIA cruise. Wonderful experience, my first time on a large ship on a journey by the water. I was checking out all the shops , facilities and taking a gazillion photos of the Gulf Of Finland. I didn't see any dolphins magically jumping in the sea , but the Shining Sun against a super cold wind, in a land away from home with total strangers with no sign of ground made me so Grateful to God for such an experience. 

My transit was in Frankfurt, Germany and I say this with all respect - if you lived in Finland even for a couple of days and went to another country , you will find them rude. The German airport officials can be a bit "on your face" and it then it struck me that I have come out of Finland.

WELL...

Finland, the society and it's people are in a world of their own, in the sense, they have this beautiful system of Trust - Discipline - Honor that they ( at least most ) willingly submit themselves to and you are guilt tripped to not be the offender. You don't want to be that person who takes a leak in a dark corner just because no one is watching, or spit gums and throw cigarette butts outside the dustbin . There were 1 in 10000 incidents where these things were not followed - but look at the ratio. Apart from the weather that can be a bit more conducive to aid people to get more from life, one can't make a strong comment on Finland to say ,this has to be improved for sure. Every country and society will have its flaws, there might be bad apples there too, but if you observe them as a whole, they do appear to be in a class of their own for good reasons. Nothing can be perfect , but it's safe to claim that Finland does harbor a near perfect society and I won't turn down an opportunity to visit there again , even if it's winter . 

Much love, 

A Finn Struck Alien..

I could hear the calls of prayer regularly from the mosque a few meters away from the school and whenever the Imam summons the followers in the fajr salah I used to melt down into copious tears as I was  not privileged enough to join them for I need to be around the stall to cater to the few customers who may stop for a treat. I had to miss out on the prayers but SWT had granted enough mental and physical fortitude on me for I was able to participate in the Sawm ( fasting ). Sometimes the masala water I prepare would turn out extra spicy or too sweet when I would miscalculate the flavor of the chilly and I could see that the customers would be lesser that day. If it was any other day I would quickly take a sip and correct the flavor profile but this month I couldn't and I ran the risk of disappointing the customers in case I messed the preparation. Many people, from other faiths used to fondly come to my shop and order "Bhai, aapka soup ke liye kitnee dhoor see bhi aa sakthe hai.. etc" ( bhai, we could travel from any distance to come and taste your soup ). Imagine how ashamed I would be if I prepared something bland or too spicy for these loving people just because I wasn't able to taste my own product. But my business went on somehow by the grace of our merciful lord. 

"Ya baniyya ithhaboo fatahassasoo min yoosufa waakheehi wala tayasoo min rawhi Allahi innahu la yayasu min rawhi Allahi illa alqawmu alkafiroona - O sons, go in search of Joseph and his brother, and do not despair of the mercy of God. Only they despair of God's mercy who do not believe."

A Time when followers of our faith try to be extra careful in following the tenets as called out by the Prophet Muhammad Allahu alayhi wa-sallam was a time when Life naturally put me in that state. Year after year I became increasingly unswerving in my faith that I will be able to take care of my family, in the belief that, Am I really the one taking care of my me and my family or is it SWT"?. 

The month began and It was just 2 days into it when around 6.00 am the day was extra dark and the sun was rising a bit lazier that day. I was preparing for the day when some of the plastic covers and papers from yesterday were a bit loose and began to fly hither and tither as it was also a bit windy. It was frankly a bit ominous as we expect the sun to rise and greet us for the day but it was like there was going to be a heavy rain . It also happened to be a Friday.  Now I closed the open pots and stepped out to grab the flown out articles when suddenly I heard a car lose control and the noise began to come closer and closer when I realized that the car was coming towards my humble stall and before I could realize what was happening, it came and dashed on my stall, instantly destroying all my utensils and wrecking everything I needed to run my business. SWT the exalted, Bismi Allahi alrrahmani alrraheemi had me step out of the stall just in time before I had met him for my judgement . He wanted me to still be around, for the stall began to catch fire from the spilt fuel. I quickly grabbed the unbroken pot of water, extinguished whatever little fire was about to escalate and went to the car to see if everyone was alright. But Alas - I could see a petrified teenage boy in the back seat and an unconscious middle aged man in the driver's seat bleeding from the forehead. It struck me that the driver had got a heart attack , lost control of the car and dashed onto my stall. 

I quickly grabbed the boy by his hands, put the driver in my tricycle which I had and began to pedal with all my might towards the nearest hospital. Mentally I thanked the politicians and people in power for constructing the hospital in that location. I had no time to wallow in self pity nor muster anger on my fate as all my focus was on reviving the driver and pacifying the frozen teenager. From the looks of him and the car, I could gather that he came from a well-to-do family . The ER team quickly dispatched to attend to the boy for any signs of trauma as another team started pressing the heart and performed the CPR. I began reciting the verses from the holy Qur'an with lightning speed and I could feel as though SWT himself was ordering the recovery of the driver through me and when I was about to go to the next verse, the driver suddenly opened his eyes and started getting a seizure. I kept hailing Bismillah Bismillah. The driver regained consciousness and slowly he was now pushed into non-emergency ward along with the boy. I stood outside , all sweating and shaking as I was muttering the verses in chaotic order. I was not even able to recite the holy verses completely as every now and then I looked at the clinic for an update. 

They finally came out and told the boy and driver were doing ok, as I had brought them in the nick of time and I thanked SWT Subhanallah! I went and signed the register to fill out forms as it could have been a police incident and I retired towards the mangled and shattered remains of my stall on my tricycle. I began to sob silently unable to understand why all this had happened. I composed myself after 30 minutes to slowly pick the remains and trash them in the dustbin when I got a call on my basic phone. It was from some guy named Vignesh. He asked me point blank If my name was Rahman Bhai and asked me where I was. I replied on the affirmative and gave him my address. A few minutes later a man in an even richer car came to my place as I greeted him casually as though I had no sorrow in my heart when he came rushing towards me, hugged me tight and kissed my chin and started sobbing. He was the father of the child it seems and he thanked me for having taken care of his only son. It appears the son was throwing a fit about some family matter and got onto the car with the driver after bullying him into driving the car to stage a protest against his parents. A typical rich spoilt kid scenario. I gave him details of how the car came out of nowhere and how It kind of destroyed my only source of income. The moment I very decently without insulting him told this , he looked at me straight and told how incredibly grateful he was to the Lord for having placed me in this area for his son and driver would have literally met with their fate if not for me rushing to save them. Without wasting a moment, he told me most respectfully he wished to compensate me for my loss and asked me how much money I needed. But sensing that It wouldn't be easy thing for me to answer, he himself announced - you know what, I don't know how much you made or need to re-set up the stall but let me do one thing for you. I will have a trolley on wheels custom made for selling sweets and snacks, but since this was the month of Ramzan, you start your business with Dates and nuts. I will order a month's stock of Dates, Honey, Nuts and Milk for you to prepare the dishes you need before and after the fasting - you sell it to your brothers for they also can consume it and you also can make some money out of this transaction. The moment he said this, that was when I sobbed the most, as I started crying Inshallah Mashallah and he held me by hands, made me sit down as a few tears escaped from his eyes as well. I asked him what his name was , he said it was Vignesh and I instantly asked him if he could also Paint the Name of the Van as "Al Janat Vignesh" translating to "Vignesh's Paradise". He said it wasn't necessary at all, but I told him with humble force that it was my way of showing gratitude and he relented.

Thanks to SWT , for he was so capable, to order all the stock of food items along with the van and 3 days petrol in it for me to move around. It had adequate lighting for night time business , separate lockers for storing cash , a small fan that can be optionally run in days of heat and carefully designed stoves and heating essentials. The brothers from the masjid in my neighborhood meanwhile noticed the disaster and rushed to enquire about my situation. They gathered around me and started shouting AllahoAkbar  for making me save two people's lives and started offering great support to me . Not once did I open my mouth and tell a human "Help me" but all the necessary help reached me in the divine will of the lord. The brothers told they will help me with the fuel expenses for the first month and then evaluate further how they can support me from 2nd month on. 

For a man who supplicated in namaz to Allah ,the most merciful,  will the lord make me beg and seek help from his own creation ? - he himself arranged all the resources I needed.  The brothers began to open their day and end their day from my stall , by eating the permissible items as called out by the prophet Allahu alayhi wa-sallam. I was able to both serve both my brothers in their ramzan period and also myself make a living from the new Van.  I realized how Allah, Subhanahu wa ta'ala (SWT)  had ordained that it was enough for my suffering, and that I was ready to receive from his bounty - he himself snatched my old stall in return of the new even better motor van, all in reward for the faith I had been nurturing all these years. My family slowly began to improve its standard, as I also started to live life a bit more comfortably, thanks to the Lord , the most compassionate one.  

Who are we to question the Lord off his ways, when he and he alone knows what is best for us. 

Subhan Allah! 

Wishing that the Lord be merciful on all of us and may he continue to bless us in his own chosen ways!

God knows best ! 

Alhamdulillah !

We did meet tomorrow , when I could pick a scent that she had worn which wafted ahead off her as I saw her face slowly breaking into a grin. I dropped guard myself as I said Hi Jhanviii.. . We just looked both directions to see if we can continue in her direction or mine and she took that decision for us when she did a 180 and we continued power walking in my direction. I must say, I never saw myself encountering a conversation such as yesterday's with a total stranger who was a girl and as I said that she laughed out loud and punched me in the upper forearm as though she knew me way too well only to instantly realize she might have jumped the gun. To comfort her I nudged her upper forearm myself in a manner she wouldn't think of me as a friend but a guy who is yet to be "classified" , if you know what I mean. We did our laps that day and our meetings became more regular, but not daily. It was like, we were comfortable the way we were and there was this beautiful space developing between each other and a connection was brewing. Then came the day we exchanged our numbers and chats turned into conversations and we even started analyzing our perspectives which were tricky topics like existence of God, being a vegetarian , and then came THE topic. Any past people ? We both synchronously began typing but when I saw her typing, I stopped and when I started typing she stopped . This went on for a few seconds as we were afraid how a response to this question might steer this relationship when we hit enter at the same time with the reply "None until...". I suddenly hooted in excitement as a nearby pigeon got scared and sped for its life. There is only way to decode this and that you guys confirmed we liked each other . 

So, fast forward one day, when we had some cold juice and pani-puri nearby and were walking in the road,  chatting on newer topics, when she suddenly laid the red carpet for me . Why don't you come home, I will introduce you to my brother. I was super happy like super happy super happy. Not because she just made the move , but because all the walking and drinking was building up a big bladder situation for me but I was too proud to tell her I need to ease myself. This way, I could both pacify my kidneys  and also meet her brother who I was really hoping would be cool like her. He was also working in the Tech industry , a year younger than her.  We went home and she was taking some time to see if the house was in good condition to have a visitor. By this time, I was ready to open a water jet that would hit the next door neighbor as I collected myself and asked her , where is the restroom , so that I could go and wash my legs. She said there is one upstairs and one in the hall, ( it was a duplex ) and she would be hitting the one in the hall. I got tensed, oh god, I need to climb the stairs with this any-time-to-burst-bladder. I mentally thanked the Gods for having made me born as a man for this specific power we have . 

Her brother Vinay was still yet to be seen and he was the last of my concern. I ached for my release and nothing mattered more. I took heavy cautious steps towards the loo and when I saw the door a bit ajar , I went in with such gratitude as I shut the door and made a hugeee groaning noise as the river flowed endlessly in streams. I apologize for such graphic description, but I want to do justice to what actually happened. I was closing my eyes and literally experiencing the joy of ahem, when the curtains suddenly opened as I saw the brother of my girl stand in front of me in pure shock urgently searching for a towel . The poor guy was wearing headphones and was soaking in the bathtub oblivious to my water show and he let out a huge sound and was about to hit me with the shampoo bottle when I quickly raised my hand to my chest and said Srini , Srini as though he was supposed to know who I am. My lucky fortune, she had confided to him about knowing me from her walks. He then broke into a huge laughter and slapped me in my face and pulled me into a hug as his towel fell down again. By this time, we just got so casual and candid in our realest self, we simply embraced the sheer stupidity of the situation. 

We could hear Jhanvi race up the stairs and Vinay quickly draped his towel and I also shut my basement as we both stepped out , in giggles when she goes "what the F is going on, Man, I was about to enter the bathroom downstairs when I heard you moan and groan and then when I heard his shout followed by some nonsensical laughter, I didn't even wash myself and rushed here.  Look, I know my brother is handsome and all , but you are supposed to be with me and not this creature", Vinay instantly took the cue and pulled me closer and faked some sounds like he was kissing me and boldly claimed "he is mine get lost !!!". We all had a hearty laughter as I went downstairs and he went on to dress himself up . She made some Ginger lime tea and we were all sitting in the couch simply saying nothing for the next few minutes , when Jhanvi said - Vinay , I think I am in love as I took her hands into mine and I said "me too" and Vinay put his hand on my shoulder and rested his face on my left shoulder and said , I know monkey. You are. 

And folks, that's how I dreamed my valentines day would be but who am I kidding. 

The search continues ... ;)   

It all started when I began coming back from office late at nights , mentally squeezed due to the pressure at work. All the political phony conversations, unexposed disappointments, unfulfilled recognitions but consistent role of an IT rat that made a decent living. Shylaja, my wife ran her own business with her friends and was an active social butterfly. We used to even go for morning jogs in the nearby park and please each other emotionally with our beautiful mannerisms. We silently envied ourselves, thinking will anyone else get a marriage that is void of ego but brim with emotional sexiness. Happy days turned into Happy nights which resulted in one fine day , when my first child Pravalika was born in a C-section procedure. This was the most ambiguous period of my life , when I was a circus of emotions. Tiredness, Fear, Fulfilment, Responsibility , Pride etc. Though it was my partner who delivered the baby and was rightfully entitled to be a powerhouse of hormones, I myself was having an orchestra of mood swings. Parenthood unlocks a whole new chapter of behavioral patterns in you that you believed never existed in you. Like for example, swallowing words that sped out of your mouth before during arguments , because now you understand that your wife is worked up with maternal duties. Pravi thankfully didn't give us nightmares as she was co-operative , except in matters of eating food, getting a bath, sleeping properly, breaking costly articles etc. Ah. I got you there - didn't I ? She was every bit of a horror story. But magically, somehow when she comes running into my arms asking me to lift her up so that she can smell my hair and scratch my beard, I instantly forget all the drama she caused as I blindly feel my heart wrapping around hers in an explained fatherly love. 

Days at the office were colorful, some days good , some days pure hell. But I never shared this with my wife nor allowed it to influence the time I spent with pravi. I was beginning to think I was growing an impervious mental fortress immune to any kind of turbulence . I grew on the job even as parenthood grew on me and quickly 3 years went by when my wife walked in one day and asked me to start saving money for buying diapers. We stopped putting diapers on pravi last year itself and this kind of amused me , until a full 60 seconds later when I realized Shylu had cloaked the message that she was expecting our number 2 in her charismatic sarcasm. I pulled her close and kissed her hard much to the point she yelled and pravi waltzed in her walker to protect momma lion. We stayed glued to each other like lizards for the next few minutes when my wife asked me, Can we do this ? . Little did I realize that the answer to this question was about to pivot my life in a whole new direction. We started baby proofing the premises, started coaching the very young pravi towards the concept of sisterhood even as we drowned her by our love assuring there was enough for the both of them. Pravi turned 4 as on her exact birthday Shylaja got admitted into the Pregnancy ward and out come our Boy wonder. Rahul , was our chosen name if it was a boy. And Boy it was. Sleepless nights ensued, Emotional roller coasters began for round 2 as we fought with fortitude trying to manage work , family , sleep and savings. Somewhere down the months, I invited some attitude cracks into my mental psyche as I began to grow short tempered at the slightest of triggers and Shylu began to be a complain box that just won't shut up. Our smiles took a reverse dip as we began to speak less and act more , catering to the duties of family, to a point we divided our day time into set of chores to keep the 2 children alive , happily. We stopped laughing at jokes together, romancing together , like how sometimes back in the day, I used to pull her by the waist to bite her neck and she sometimes slapped my behind etc 

Things took a turn for the worse when Pravi started going to kindergarten and Rahul was an exact replica of his sister in all her naughtiness. Both my kids are such high maintenance, to such an extent, I started apologizing every hour mentally to my parents for all the ruckus I might have done in my childhood. I started wearing a spectacle as long work hours and continuous cartoons put a strain in my eye and Shylu gained weight and began to lose shape. I too, started getting dark eyes and lost the youthful smile that I was once proud off. Now I simply looked like someone always rubbed chilly on my arse while I was drinking raw lemon juice. One day, when I was at home checking my work emails, Pravi was jumping and running and she came close to my desk and unexpectedly pushed my work laptop off the top as it fell down into 2 rectangular slabs. I was a hot mess. I can't a hit girl child however grave her error was, I can't shout as Rahul was being put to sleep nearby a half asleep Shylu and I simply threw my phone at her out of utter anger. I had to express myself in someway and my wife bore the brunt of it. The phone hit her forehead and fell flat on a sleeping rahul who now wailed at the top of his lungs. Chaos. I literally saw Death. I stood up instantly , cursing my existence and the turn of events as Shylaja with great great maternal instinct took rahul into the next room and pacified our boy. I looked at Pravi who now froze in shock as she could see that I was not her usual dad and she began to tremble and sob uncontrollably. I went out of the house and went to the nearby shop and asked for something which I never imagined will do. A Cigarette. I grabbed one and came to the nearby park , huffing and puffing , leaving our house in shambles , our daughter unattended, uncomforted, and my wife and son helpless. 

Rohan, who spent most time with me as we carpooled together daily to office and back, as he was also my neighbor, had followed the sudden noise in my house . He had asked his wife to go to my house to take stock of things, even as she brought her own two kids to our home and went to our room where Shlyu was at the verge of exploding. When she saw Rashmi, Rohan's wife, she erupted in a huge cry and began to yield to an uncontrolled flow of words that darted out of her mouth. A grown man myself , still required comfort and moral support though I can't just ask it as easily without appearing weak. My man , Rohan, who recognized that his usually composed  alpha buddy was now a mess of frail human emotions , sat beside me and took the cigarette out of my hands. We both returned, me still holding Rohan's hands in a very shocking display of masculine intimacy in an otherwise homophobic neighborhood of ours as we entered my home. There was an abominable graveyard silence as it increased my heartbeat even higher. Rohan pulled me near , held my head and said, Be yourself, breathe and don't hold back.  I then went to my room and when I saw Shlyu's forehead was bruised slightly because of my rant, I broke down into tears and shouted I am so sorry Shylaja , I just coudln't handle this much pressure , I am so sorry even as she gave Rahul into Rashmi's hands and dashed at me and hugged me so violently that we both fell down on the floor flat on my back and started crying our hearts out . Rashmi , couldn't hold herself any longer and began her own waterfalls as Rohan came in and played the lone warrior . He kissed her Rashmi on her forehead and said he will take the kids out to her Sister's place nearby, and asked her to guard the fort until myself and Shylu gained composure. It was a good half an hour , me and shylaja began to speak our hearts out, at the sudden distance that had developed invisibly between us as parenthood drew a wedge between us despite wearing the cloak of Family. 

Rashmi stepped out , the decent woman she was, as she realized our emotional outburst began to get personal and she didn't want to be attendance to the privacy of a married couple. She began to prepare coffee and some snacks, she knew our house well enough as our families are well acquainted with each other. All of us got a splitting headache and we settled after an hour. I messaged Rohan that the coast was clear and that he can return. I bent down to take my damaged laptop and collected myself . I was staring at unattended work emails, expense of repairing my laptop and a sure shot dig at my reputation. Not to forget , make Pravi understand that Daddy was not angry at her and he still loved her. And poor Rahul. What can I even say to him. He didn't even know dad almost injured his wide brown eyes out of anger and this is what ate my insides the most. With great gargantuan strength, I spoke to my boss
and explained my situation and offered to resign if they were unhappy of my conduct. Much to my surprise, my superior reminded me that , Managers and above who recently became Fathers had a clause in company policy where they can insure any damage to official property with a premium that got charged once a year as "Collateral Insurance". I totally forgot about this . First sign of peace enveloped me as I didn't have to pay any money from my pocket and simply had to worry about the rest of the matters. 

Noon crawled by , as still our residence wore the ambience of a storm that died. The kids were fed and resting when I pulled Shylaja closer, looked at her and said "Let's talk".

Marriage is never an easy affair. The honeymoon period is dangerously slim compared to the challenges it brings in our lives. But if we reminded ourselves to be connected with each other, no matter how consistently marriage caused tremors to our peace of mind, there is not a force that can break the bond. Never stop talking to each other - your mannerisms might change, the way you express your emotions , bodily and verbally might change, but the love in the heart will never fade unless you don't function from your heart. Don't go into automatic gear. Live by your valves. Put some life into your blood and oxygenate your being with empathy and the love with which you began your marriage will automatically circulate your relationship Every one of us deserve to live a happy peaceful satisfying life and it is the responsibility of both the partners to remind each other that they are source of this Love for each other .

Peace.

I called on my closest relatives and let them know that I am in a good mood and that I am going to make some personal choices , take a break from all the buzz and maintain low profile. But for my wife and eldest son, no one knows that I have got my exit ticket. I still attempt to go with honor and pride because that's how weak the human mind is. It hugs onto ego till the very last moment, until you just can't afford to breathe anymore. I let them know that out of the gains from my last year, I wished to share some of the bounty with them and administered a private auction in my 11th floor. I had my 5 lawyers , 10 witnesses, personal doctor and 3 bodyguards around me and a secret camera that filmed the entire procedure. I had internally decided to give out 10 million from my overall worth to those outside my immediate family , in a last minute gesture of munificence, to win a direct flight to the best place in the after life. Here's the thing, you can't bathe all the time in mud , splash the mud all over the others and then when you get out, give them a clean towel and a mug of water. There is no cost that can quantify the pain of pain, disrespect and grief you inflict on those around you. The cost is , the exit ticket and a well planned out karmic procedure until the last breathe escapes you , after having taught you the weight of your actions. Let me take a break here, it got little Bhagwad Gita here. 

So, I let my wife and Lakshyan  , eldest boy be aware of my plan to take out 10 mil and decide on the most ethical share on the remaining assets among the family. They were surprisingly obliging and worked with me in my last assignment - before the final flight. After having made my close relatives spellbound with the million rupee share that I just handed over to them.  I next, called on the parents of the most poorest students in the school where I was Executive Board Member and waived their next 5 years education fees. That moment, 10 set of hands came running to my feet as it got wet in quick time , by the tears of gratitude that was ejaculating from the parents. You might wonder , how poor parents could even afford a seat in my school. I had locked them with a bond where they have to attend to the works of my factory in return with education for their children and half the salary the others got. I sent them out, that took out another million . I called on all the 100+ servants who worked hand-in-mouth in my 15 floor Mansion and gave out them each cheques appreciating their individual best decisions during the time they served me and my interests. I also had them sign a bond to continue working for the family until they were fired. That took out half a million. I called on my lawyers to spread the remaining half a million between them exclusively for attending my last set of legal works . 

It had to be perfect, my signature is a complex one, so no one can forge it and they worked like donkeys to make sure my documents and assets were in order . 3 down. Another 7 to go. I then called on my astrologer to whom I had given an assignment to identify the most deserving charities, that really did the work they claimed. My astrologer is also well connected , so he tends to direct people into acts of charity as a divine remedy for escaping the bad planetary placements. I invested a million  exclusively for the Food Donation schemes across charities, temples, mosques and churches that really stood out and used it exclusively for the cost of procuring food and serving it. I had one of my lawyers nominate a guy to oversee that the funds where exclusively used just for this purpose and the best decisions were made in spending it, so that they don't over spend it or waste it or cheat it to make gains. I split half a million and set up an emi scheme for the next 5 years as salary for the auditors and legal counsellors who will oversee this Food Donation Project. I had 3 of my grandkids come and select 10 random patients who were suffering from severe illness , whose profiles were selected from the Internet Fundraisers. The 10 patients that were selected, were to be granted equal share from the half million for their treatment expenses . 5 Mil to go. 

I called on the chief minister's office of my state and pledged 1 mil for the recent pandemic that took out breadwinners of families and whose income was severely punctured and assigned the responsibility to my second child , Vindya Srimandar. The CMO was kind enough to broadcast this on media and the goodwill poured in. 4 to go. I called on Best Universities across 5 states in the South and Told them that I will be transferring a certain amount to their college funds to be given as scholarship to the best student whose family income was the least.  I let them know that, the candidates should write an exam and an essay on the 10 greatest things My forefathers and myself did. I had to make sure the legacy lived on, and even if this appears supremely egotistic, I need to make sure my progeny has enough merit to keep running my empire. I suggested that the exam syllabus should be something relating to the tradition and culture of India , in order to make them earn their scholarship with pride in the nation. 3 to go. I called on my 3rd child who was doing his masters in Psychiatry and made him prepare a list of major psychiatric   hospitals in India. As the cost of treating mental illness is high, not to mention the permanent impact it has on the patients due to the treatment nature. I invested half a million in granting treatments to girl patients, rape survivors , child rape victims , acid attack victims and transgenders who suffered form mental illness. I asked him to work on a list of most severe cases by working with the institutions and bearing the cost of treatment for these selected patients . I invested the other half million in the healthcare treatments of old prisoners in jails across the country who were serving life sentences due to various crimes. I did this, with the intention that, If by some stroke of miracle, I survived, despite the mistakes I had done in my life, how grateful I would feel. 

The last 2 mil were to be dealt with. I called on a famous internet blogger and made him document all of this in a book , which will be an Exclusive book on this final mission of mine . I had him sign on a non disclosure, non reversible , unbreachable bond that swore to secrecy of this mission as all of this were only known to those who were immediately benefited by my philanthropy and I had to get the word out through a book. He will not divulge the contents to anyone, he will not take up any new projects and he will have to ensure the book gets published in best shape and sells out across the country. You might ask, how is this even a charity. I invested half a mil as salary and publishing expenses to him for his efforts , which will be paid only after the book sold 1 lakh copies and the proceedings of the profits will go to environment projects in my state. I am a businessman till death. 1.5 mil pending. I called on my last child, Harshitha who is an Animal's Right Activist and Honorary member of PETA by virtue of her education and my reputation. I instructed her to identify 10 zoological parks that were being challenged for maintenance of the birds and animals and to oversee the costs of protecting the wild beast and birds and to nurture them to good health with quality food and living conditions. I gave her a cheque of half a mil and ordered her firmly to take on this project with full sincerity. Last mil pending. I split half of it , across government hospitals in my state for cost of proper burial and cremation of unclaimed bodies due to various reasons . I am myself going to go in a few days, I want to make sure , I had people waiting to welcome me in gratitude as I arrive up there . The last half a mil, I gave it to my wife, under the condition that she must use it for charity projects at her discretion, on my name after I departed. I wanted to give her a share of the Good karma for having played my Wife in this life.

These proceedings consumed 7 days of my left time and I could see that I was nearing. I wanted to get a breathe of fresh air one last time, and I stepped outside my mansion without my armor bulletproof suit and bouncers . I would have gone 10 steps ahead when a bullet came and hit my neck slicing a chunk of flesh. I was profusely bleeding. I blacked out instantly. I didn't even get to say goodbye to my family nor offer a prayer in my private mandir inside the mansion. I wasn't sure where I will be now heading to . I was losing consciousness. I was disappearing, as I could see my guards doing something to my body. My time was shortened , but just in time before I could execute my last project. I leave with a satisfied heart and soul, as I am well aware of the mistakes I made, but I was human enough at least in the end , to remember that when the time comes, there is nothing in this earth that can extend it but Love. It was discovered that the person who pulled the trigger was hiding , waiting for me to come out for the past 7 days to assassinate me. But God kept me breathing for 7 days as I was redeeming myself for the actions of the past, out of love for the creation he created. My love for his creation, won me his love, as I escaped a premature ugly death , had I came out the 1st day itself. 

Love alone Triumphs. And that is the Truth, that always Triumphs. 

Never ever desert love from your heart. Because, that's all that matters in the end. 

Peace.  

I did enjoy all the attention initially, you know the joys of people hanging out with you , when all they have in mind is to get themselves some attention banking on your sparkle. I did fall for it in the beginning, when I used to assume my boys were good friends , they cared about me and what not. But , through conversations and experiences , I could infer that they were simply "there with me" , not "for me". It was a mere band aid friendship to my charm. When this goes away, they  would go. But the money kept coming. I started posing for salon shops banners and local ads, which usually had popular Boy artists from the Western world. Some generous local businessmen dared to invest on me , as I had a different look. I don't appear Indian nor western , I am what you call a Donut Dosa. I am here and I am there , and as though destiny approved off my choices, my photos clicked with the audience and people began to take notice. Until that day came, when a popular Model Hunter came to our neighborhood by sheer chance , as he was working for another established artist. Word travelled and in a few hours, I was in a room with this guy, making propositions to me ,to take my profile sky-high for he claimed he saw something in me that the world hasn't seen already. As I write this, I stare at the irony of it, as now everyone has seen it all and I have nothing to hide. A few tough conversations with my parents and siblings, but in the end, I did manage to accompany the guy for a few shoots. I was actually changing my outfits in a room , when I came out for the next shot and this guy suddenly comes up to me and says "I think I got what I wanted - we will be in touch with you ! Here is my card, and when you call , tell Brown Gold as a code and they will put to me." It sent a chill down my spine, as the idea of going global tickled my senses a few hours ago and now everything became ambiguous suddenly. I simply nodded , and walked back to my place unclear on what's about to happen. 

Sheethal, one of my college exes suddenly called me one evening, she was a SEO Analyst for a Company and goes "You sexy bitch, You never told me !.". I had no clue what the heck she was talking about when she sent me a link to that month's subscription of the magazine and somewhere in the middle, there it was. A photo of me, changing my dress, my face was buried in the Tee as I was trying to get it out through the neck and a short trunk below almost giving away my dignity. They had actually placed cameras in the Changing room and with the help of some good lighting and camera tricks, they managed to make me look like 5X times Sexier. I immediately grabbed my phone, sent an email to the company asking for an explanation and demanded a call from the agent ASAP . As though, they were expecting this reaction, a man with a heavy baritone dialed me from an international number and asked for the code word. BrownGold.  I shrieked. Then it hit me, apparently , the agent assigned some codes to such kind of model finds and we were also tagged with a price for our worth. The guy on the other side of the line patched me to the Agent, whose voice I could instanlt recognize. He said " Hey buddy. Look at you. You were not a failure after all. You got the goods honey. I want you here. I need you here . You will make a living out of yourself , you will see some good dough . You will see it all and the world too , will see it alllllllll ". He dragged the last word weirdly. I managed to get some more details from him, work out a plan where I was slotted to travel with a plus one , to accompany me ( I called in my cousin , Shaman ) to the West . 

Things would have it, once I was there, we checked-in to a hotel and then went to the site where the next shoot was going to happen. This guy walks up to me and gives me a cheque for 1000USD and says that's my cut from the last shoot and to cash it in soon before they went bankrupt, followed by a guffaw.  Stunned as I was, from this sudden Money heist, a lady in a single piece came near me, patted my bottom and slid her finger all the way from my bottom to my spine to my neck and whispered in my ears #509 and winked . I was exploding from within. My man Shaman, beside, was equally intoxicated and disturbed, as all sense of morality seemed to drop off from us. He showed me the calculator app on his phone, converting the 1000 USD to INR and we both ate our eyes out. I asked for a break and we both went into a room and let out a huge cry , hugging each other and slapping each other's face and jumping and hugging again. He was about to slap me again, when I told in pure vanity - "Shaman , this is a 1000 USD face, no one touches it . Be my manager brother. Let's make this happen !" Again we shouted and after we had come to our senses, stepped out to see a world lost in their own trance.  As though this sudden Mood spike was not enough, a guy waltzed in wearing nothing and did a chin-up to me and goes " Vince, Delta . Welcome !" . We were both stupefied to encounter another man in his birthday suit as it was a jolt to our our comfort zone. I managed to chitchat with a few people at random and gather a perspective of what on earth was going on here.  I messaged Sheethal, that I was about to strike it big and whether she would care to be my publicist. I gave her the details she needed to hear and after a few months, Sheethal-Shaman-Dwanith became the BrownGold Brand. Sheethal , was a free spirited chick with liberal parents and good amount of money. So, it was not a challenge to bring her here for this role. But it took a good amount of speech, drama and convincing to make my parents approve of my temporary stay abroad for a few months . 

A few months turned out to be a year and then now , we are here for good. I have become used to a certain level of luxury and lifestyle, that it was sometimes not possible for me to mix with people from my past even if I wanted to. I had to maintain my dainty choices, act and speak in a certain manner, I also gently got my banners from the local salons removed , back in India as it would harm my reputation to be put up in projects with no money earned from it. I began to see my everyday as a reason to make money. I live to make money . That became my motto.  We purchased ourselves a condo , good enough for the 6 of us , incase we found a special someone for each other.  My life became their life. Sheethal and Shaman, transformed around me, we grew as a brand. My days would be spent in following trends, experimenting products and my nights would be exhausted in staring at the lens with or without clothes, and sometimes an occasional passionate encounter. I enjoy this life. I didn't purposefully want or plan for this, but I just kept humoring the choices and opportunities that came my way. As I built myself here, I made sure my folks back in India were also well attended to. Due to the kind of business I was in, I couldn't afford to go to my previous life in the past. I had to sneak out of airports, ensure any public place I was at had no cameras, or hidden voyeurs in an attempt to get leverage for some saucy tabloid content on my name. My parents live comfortably and peaceful, or at least, I like to think so. We connect once in a week , over a video call, when I make sure no one disturbs me as I get to have real conversations , in my realest self with my parents who rain such love on me, as I look back at them with a sense of buried Guilt, in the corner of my mind, wondering If in some way I have failed them by my choices. But that guilt is usually short-lived. Thanks to my camera commitments , as I said, I live to make money and Naked is how I have my honey on my bread...

It is unknown if we should blame our mother for not feeding us properly or taking the right foods when we were in the womb or our fathers for impregnating our mothers with 2nd degree sperms. Whatever was the reason, we end up coming in to the world with  so much excitement , only to be quickly extinguished in a few years for our failure to comply with the tried and tested human patterns of "Normalcy" and "Ideal existence". Man or Woman or Hmmm ? Are we a mere sound ? Are we indescribable ? Don't we also have 5 senses ,  experience hunger, sleep and sexual energy and the ability to defecate no matter how twisted our bodies might be ? It's not always the scorn that infuriates us, it's the sympathy that comes from a place of lack of understanding from the ( normal ) people. People are unclear how to live with us , man to man, woman to woman. Co-existing with us itself is like asking too much off them , so much that we end up magnetizing ourselves into bubbles in the society where we live together and grieve together about why we were even born. We can't even hear ourselves laugh in public simply due to the physical and vocal mismatch and we end up having heads dart at us in shock , like "what was that sound..." . If human civilization evolved to transport themselves across oceans , if they can  make love to themselves even if they were of the same gender , if they can create new currencies , if anything appeared to be possible for humanity , why is our existence still not normalized ? Is is that big of an ask ? Tell me one thing , Yes. Our reproductive organs had got jumbled , our physical anatomy is crooked , our mental space is ambiguous , unable to decide when to be a man or woman ; which is the more dominant part of ourselves etc - But does that mean our entire race should be forever  marginalized , oppressed ? Raped women and Black folks have had revolutions that roar their unfortunate mistreatments , but one must understand something here - a normal person doesn't put petitions and sue people - a rape survivor does, an acid attack survivor does . Normal people in normal situations don't cause uproars. When abnormal situations are the primary reason for normal people to rise in fury , what are we to say when our very normal existence is abnormal for no reason of ours?

Men ogle at us and Women avoid us , Boys tease us and Girls dominate us . Chaos is our friend for life.. All this internal vacillations of trying to figure out our identity from within converge in making us physically aggressive , coarse on the exterior and wounded in the interior, a colorful mess of human disaster . Our Indian counterparts often break down devastated when they narrate the day they were taught how to do the "clap" . The very sound of the clap is one of our identities . A sound. How different is this from a moo or a bark or meow. They give excruciating details of how they practice the clap and how to look people in the eye with confidence , how to decide what to wear and plan the most simplest of human gestures which are done effortlessly by the blessed normal ones. This constant ostracizing condescending pattern makes so many of us do the worst of things. Selling our bodies to maggots who would literally spread their legs or insert into anything that moved . We smell all the time. We smell of years and years of accumulated dirt from the tears that never saw a comforting hand to wipe it off. No designated , respected place of stay , no source of clean food or drinking water, tottered clothes and what not. We snatch food and articles from people and bully them into participating in acts of charity by wielding ourselves as witches who can curse people into doom . We expose our bodies to shock and stun people and capitalize that reaction into lending us something to live through the day. If one of us got sick, we can't even sit for a health check up without someone asking us to leave or treat us like rabid dogs. A temple , mosque , church doesn't make a difference for us , for we don't get to enter anywhere that easily for worship.  Worst of all, parents allow kids to make fun of us by making gestures and calling us names and numbers. And think about our marriage life - with all this happening , can we even dream of getting married and starting a family ?

But there are some blessed sisters and brothers in our community as well , who meteor into the highest ranks by making a name for themselves in music, fine arts , social care and education systems . What irks and frustrates us is to see some rich people who undergo operations to convert themselves into the other gender , spending so much money through risky surgeries , implants and injections. If these rich individuals, who deliberately manipulate their bodies , spent a fraction of their money in our health care, in our daily sustenance , they would have earned so much blessings from the Transgender community. One must spend a thought to think if the calls of vanity need to be honored with such attention, when us folks fight to become normal. 

When governments can build bridges and erect statues , when leaders can take care of physically challenged , blind and deaf friends , can't they not build societies for us where we have access to all the basic needs of life in every city like how there are railway quarters, army quarters? Until we build ourselves and grow respectfully into healthy , mature citizens we can live in these societies instead of living in the dark slums . Once we had shaped us into confident capable individuals , we can contribute something back to society and also derive comforts that are meant for all. You have no idea how much hope and yearning each one of us have . Whether to put it on god and fate, who created us like this , or blame humanity who fail to see look past our curse ,  being a transgender in a world that is hopelessly exponentially expanding across all horizons is the biggest hypocrisy of nature. We wouldn't completely say that situation is not getting better compared to the years before. We have inclusions in documents , forms , restrooms and it is catching up . But it is happening at a snails pace and in less effective contexts.  It is a remedy applied after all the damage is done during the preceding years of judgement and derision.  Not all of us get to live long , happy and wealthy - not even the normal ones . If that is the case , is expecting kindness & respect without judgement that big off an ask?

Take pride in who you are, but don't deride us because of it.